Im so lost right now. Need advice!

Haha. Not at the die level yet, i know its over and it sucks. It bothers me that it could have been different but this is how it ended. I did what i could and it wasn't good enough.

Her birthday next week, heart wants to send her flowers. Im not listening to My heart anymore. Its Broken and retarded.

Im sad alot but i try not to be. Im positive it will be alright down the road, i just got to hold out and keep my head high.

Ah. I love this thread. After i had made dinner for my daughters i sat by the computer rolling my thumbs. Boy you really have much spare time without social-media. Folded clothes and did the dishes. Fucking new apartment and being clean. I need stuff to do so i don't think. I decided to read the whole thread again and now i feel much better.

I guess it is easy to be blinkered and forget about the world around you.

So sorry for bumping!

I realized something after alot of thinking. This is much like being in love for the first time, you have no idea what you are doing. You think too much, about the things you did or did not do. What you should have said or not said. This is my first time being involved with someone already in a relationship and it works differently. It was kind of mind-blowing to realize this but after reading a (very long and good) article about the subject my eyes were opened.

This, thing, we had, me and her. It was never going to be anything else than a thing and she has known it all along. The attention and love from me got her high and she liked it. Whenever she wrote family she meant her husband, she would never leave him for me. It was just never going to happen, whatever i did and howere i did it it was lost for me from the start! Her way of trying to be friends is most definantely her way of keeping me quiet about the whole thing or, to keep me for a rainy day.

Facts are, she probably does love me. Just not as much as her husband and family, and if she would stop loving him, i would not be the next guy on the list. I am in the dark, where her husband is in the light. I am in the dark for a reason. I'm probably not the first (maybe i am), but for sure, not the last guy to be in the dark. She is most definantely intimate with her husband (and has been all along). Hard cold truth.

I wonder why it took me so long to see this, most of this were pointed out by you guys. I guess, you want the dream so bad, you don't want to see the facts. I decided to test it out yesterday and contacted her. After some small talk i told her i wanted to apologize, for being selfish. After my friend told me that her husband was living a happy family life i realized that there is a whole family in the way of me and i said i think she was a good person (and some other bullshit). The reply was, "Oh thank you for understanding, but i never did lie to you (implying she is, and was indeed single)." The reply came a long time after reading my message, so i guess she paniced when she realized i know she is not single at all. I mean, why point out that she never lied to me, again. Haha. Now she knows i know about the bullcrap, i got the power to destroy a family (but i wont, coz, you know. Kids).

I guess that's the actualy end of this whole story, My eyes are opened and my heart is shut off. She can live happily ever after with her family with the knowledge of it all being a house of cards. Feels good man. We can now retire this thread.

Funny thing just happened. Was driving through the center of my town when i saw her coming from the right, she waved, i waved. My friend in the passenger yelled "BREAK BREAK BREAK".

Sooo close to crashing into the car infront of me. Akward but funny.