What's going on with your life?

That sucks Sjonsson. Maybe it's time to find some shitty part time job so you can at least pay the rent and stuff.

Yeah, I've been looking for some start-up grants together with the other fellas I'm working with, going to a meeting next week about the whole thing, we'll se how it goes. If I won't get it I guess I'm gonna go and get that part time job.

What is wrong with a part time job?

Well unless you happen to end up on the right place most people treat part-time workers as someone who they can call the same night and tell you to come work or else. At least that's what I hear form friends.

Nah man, that depends on your contract. Try and find one with regular hours. Callcenters are always looking for people. Pays decent enough and there are far worse jobs out there. However, if I were you, I would try and find something that let's you work on games. Like night security in a parking lot. Just bring your laptop and work on stuff between rounds.

Oh and if they do treat you like shit just do your best effort. Meaning this:

[Blocked Image: http://i.imgur.com/5oCAkac.gif]

Quote from SpronyvanJohnson

Try and find one with regular hours. Callcenters are always looking for people. Pays decent enough and there are far worse jobs out there.

I was told after my interview that I wouldnt be hired because I honestly mentioned I'd be leaving in 10 months for school. Yet, all I heard was ppl quitting after paid training (2 weeks)...

Quote from SpronyvanJohnson

Nah man, that depends on your contract. Try and find one with regular hours. Callcenters are always looking for people. Pays decent enough and there are far worse jobs out there. However, if I were you, I would try and find something that let's you work on games. Like night security in a parking lot. Just bring your laptop and work on stuff between rounds.

Oh and if they do treat you like shit just do your best effort. Meaning this:

[Blocked Image: http://i.imgur.com/5oCAkac.gif]

I just realised my gf works at a call center and she's gonna drop her workload by 25% this coming term. Maybe I could fill that.

But yeah, parking lot watch would be pretty cool, if I can work that is!

Hahah, the autist in me would go nuts seing that perfect symmetry going to shit like that. But it sure looks fun! xD

Quote from cashed

I was told after my interview that I wouldnt be hired because I honestly mentioned I'd be leaving in 10 months for school. Yet, all I heard was ppl quitting after paid training (2 weeks)...

Well unless the interviewee wasn't stupid he was lying too you. I'd say 10 months is a fairly long period for that kind of a job.

During last night my family grew up
I have now a second daughter and we are happy

Wait, El Moroes has kids?!?! Why wasn't I informed? D:

Everyone but you at mapcore has kids puddy, didn't you know?

Joined the surgery party on Monday, currently off work this week. Will have to see about next week.

Quote from dux

Everyone but you at mapcore has kids puddy, didn't you know?

D:

Quote from Vilham

Joined the surgery party on Monday, currently off work this week. Will have to see about next week.

Oh noes. I hope it's not for something super serious.

Anyways, today I received my first payout from my CSGO map. Now I ponder what I should spend it on.

Plan to move to California, the Bay Area sometime in November and live with my friend there. In regards to that, and my recent payout from the CSGO Operation, I bought a new pair of Nike Shoes so I can look good when I get to Sunny California.

Quote from Psy

Oh noes. I hope it's not for something super serious.

Anyways, today I received my first payout from my CSGO map. Now I ponder what I should spend it on.

Don't tell me you already used all your tf2 money ?

Good luck "vilain jambon"

On my side, last day living alone, my GF is coming tomorrow, so now I can't rage on COH2 throwing stuff in the room anymore

Heavy stuff 3dnj , it happened to me some years ago and i had a lot of weird stuff in my fridge, also i couldn't leave my socks conveniently on the ground anymore and my arm was numb in the morning.

Second time in 2.5 years I had to talk a friend down from 100% legit wanting to kill themselves. Life is fucking depressing

Quote from marks

Second time in 2.5 years I had to talk a friend down from 100% legit wanting to kill themselves. Life is fucking depressing

No it's not, life is beautiful if you let it.

4g of psilocybin, and send him on his way.

I'm slowly getting back into renovating my house and making progress on the kitchen so that's good. Had a serious argument with my wife today though, as she blames me for not managing to balance all of it properly and being mean/distant to my older son now that we have a new baby. So many things about this situation remind me of my parents (that didn't end well) that it makes me want to go back in time and punch my past self in the balls so hard.

I try to be a good dad in spirit, but in heart, sadly, I'm more passionate about making games than raising my kids and that fucking sucks on so many levels that I fear it'll be the end of my family at one point or another. It's making me distant from my kids and wife in general, and not really happy on a day to day basis, which is a fact that's probably clearer to them than it is to me (I don't often even consider whether I'm happy or not, there's just stuff that needs doing and I don't like being inactive and feeling like my life goes on without doing something with it, so as long as I'm busy I don't care so much). There are times I really wish I didn't have kids, times I wish I never met my wife, and times I feel like a monster for not being able to enjoy the amazing family I have.

I've tried to distance myself from it all, but I can never wander too far before I feel even more trapped and useless without a creative outlet. I've got dozens of notebooks filled with notes about the games and levels I want to make and it's been a while since I read a parenting book.

My wife's deep into alternate ways of living, such as veganism, attachment parenting, etc. and I admire her for it and that makes her much more interesting a person to be with, but it adds so many difficulties to being a parent too that it's hard to enjoy it for me. It has cut us off from friends and family in subtle but definite ways, and it makes it hard to find replacements for them. My wife is like on this journey to becoming a healthy positive human being and makes me feel like I'm just a grumpy obstacle to that. I work my ass off to get us anywhere financially and do most of the chores around, I renovate a house so we have a place to live and more cash at the end of the month to do stuff with, and I try to work on a game project in the hope that it fills this urge in me while potentially bringing in some money eventually, and yet that doesn't amount to anything because at the end of the day I'm tired and impatient with my son sometimes when he cries because he doesn't want to go to sleep for the 100th time this month.

I'm fucking exhausted, more psychologically than physically. I feel trapped, claustrophobic almost, and that every single thing I've done since I've been in Germany has been digging a hole while standing in it. I want out, but I have too much love for my kids to want to ever impose them to grow up without a dad, and I think I'd go a bit insane like my dad did to think of them from a distance, and I don't know how I could live with myself when I have to admit to them one day that I gave up on them because I really wanted to work on a game.

There's something I'm so dependent on in the act of thinking about and building a game/level that I have a hard time really identifying in myself. It's nothing like a job or a hobby anymore. It goes against logic and even my best interest, but it's just there. I've been doing mods/levels/games since I was 13 and it has given me a goal and a sense in life and I feel like it's an addiction that will bring me the best and the worst things in my life at the same time. I guess that sort of dedication was a bit incompatible with raising a family and that I was stupid to even think that it'd work out. I often ponder whether it'd be best for everyone to just quit now and let my wife raise the family she wants to have, but I don't have the balls to take that step, and it may me something I'll again regret not to have done later if it all goes pear shaped.

I do feel like there's a way out on the other side of the tunnel, but it's sometimes hard to hold on until I find it, especially when you feel that despite your best efforts, you are not answering to your wife and kids' needs and expectations.

Anyway, you know you are desperate as fuck when the only place you can think of sharing stuff like that is on an online forum... Sorry for ruining the mood hey, but since the topic was friends who commit suicide I figured it wouldn't be worse

Corwin, please let me know if you ever need to talk. I'm responsible for dragging your ass to Germany in the first place, and I don't want it to make you feel this way.

You know I think the world of the family you have built. Your dedication to your craft is what made you so good, and your family is another reflection of that dedication. I really do think they go hand in hand together, and not opposite like you make it seem. Having a creative outlet is extraordinarily important, and in time you may be able to share more of your own outlets with your kids, which will improve things tremendously.