What's going on with your life?

Yeah I don't mean to come across as completely anti-drugs, if you have tried other ways and they haven't worked, then yes, maybe drugs are a good thing to try and help with it. But again, I don't have any experience with it, and Thrik put it very eloquently!

Quote from Thrik

The idea of this thread is people talk openly about how they're currently feeling, good or bad. If too much spotlight is put on discussing just depression (assuming that's what you mean) I'm not sure it'll work so well. A 'depression thread' doesn't seem quite right, whereas it's less pressure to bring such personal matters up in a thread like this. I might have misunderstood what you meant though.

I do hope that this thread will exist for a very long time to come though, as I always want to know what's up (and down) with my MapCore family. People never want to make threads all about themselves even though many of us care about each other.

Your rejection of my idea really makes me feel insecure about my social acceptance at the Core.

Nah, just kidding. Valid arguments dude.

I'll never presume to tell anybody what to do but I'm against medicine for depression. I've seen too many people ruined by that. Also, if you're manic like me, they prescribe you pills. These pills zombify you. You don't feel ups, you don't feel downs, you feel nothing. You go numb. So I refuse to take them. Depression is a battle, a never ending struggle. But with proper planning (like Thrik already said) you can beat every wave. I have a complete set of rules to follow when depression hits. It drains you but it always works (for me at least).

I know UWE won't last forever, but I'm not in a state of mind or a position to do what keeps being suggested for me to do. I appreciate the encouragement, really I do - but I can't really describe how difficult it is for me to be as "out there" as you guys are. Thrik does a good job explaining how depression can feel though. To put this into context: I can't even ride a train or a bus by myself. Where I am now is my support mechanism and without any of this, my family, friends, an environment that I am comfortable in, and know, helps me ticking along when I take a dip. The last big dip I ended up with me passed out on the floor in a lot of blood, that's why I keep mostly to myself and work for myself, I'm unstable at times. Put me into a big city and a studio with a lot of unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar environments, having to travel back and forth from work - that would be incredibly difficult for me. I've taken more anti depressants and anti anxiety medication than I can even remember, I've been to psychologists plenty of times and none of it really helps that much, it might take the edge off but it doesn't fix you in any real way.

This all sounds incredibly negative I realise but at least I'm not as bad as I used to be as I couldn't even walk out of my front door without having a panic attack and throwing up everywhere haha... good times... But these days I can go out to parties around where I live as I know where I am around here and the people, drink beer and actually relax - that helps a lot but it takes a lot out of me, as has been mentioned by a few of you guys, being social really drains you. What I tend to do then after is sink back into my computer and books and get absorbed by a game and/or story for a few days until I feel "me" again - I.E detached enough from real life that I don't feel overly stressed about things in the real world. I just find familiarity a real big deal for me. Moving into this flat by myself was a huge personal push as I've never done that before, and I'm glad I did it.

I've been part of the core now for almost 10 years and I've seen all you guys grow up, become incredibly talented, get dream jobs at the studios we dream of being at, get married, have kids, and while I probably won't achieve many of those, what I do know is that being a part of this online community has been a serious part of my life, and for that, I'm really grateful.

Quote from blackdog

Dux if you acknowledge you feel depressed please do something, my aunt suffered the problem for a few years and it's painful. Understanding you have the problem is definitely a fundamental step, so, that's good.

I have dude no worries.

Quote from Minos

Also, Dux, if you are not happy with your life the worst thing you can do is to shut in and keep doing the same things over and over. I don't know you, but maybe that's exactly what's making the depression worse. I know it's hard as fuck for you to go out, but you need to force yourself and try it. Try different things until you find something that helps you get over your depression, it might be something really simple like getting a dog or a cat or making a new friend. Or you could learn modeling, if you didn't like 3ds max try Maya or even Zbrush... Just make shit and don't expect any results and you will get the hang of it eventually, I know several people much less talented than you artistically that are good at modeling.

Yeah as I said in my above tl;dr section I am a lot better than I used to be and have been pushing myself all the time to get better at things, the one thing I have finally done is get a grip and get into the shape I've always wanted to be in - it's just a slow process for me now as I once pushed myself too hard once, too fast - you could say too fast too furious... trotolrlorlt. But yeah, that didn't end well and I don't want to repeat the disaster that ended up being

Quote from Bunglo

Back at the end of October, I came home from work to find that my house had burned down, I lost everything but the shirt on my back, my car, and my phone. Two of my dogs died in the fire (one of those dogs was my shadow... miss that guy), and the third got out but later had to be put to sleep a few weeks later because she couldn't keep down water, vets said the surgery to remove what was blocking her kidneys (they presumed she swallowed a wood chip or something) would have been $2000+ and she was so weak from not having any water/food for a few days, she might not even had made it out of surgery.

My mom ended up in the mental ward (again) as all of this was happening (I was up in a hotel at this point), and within a few weeks of the fire, I lost it at work as a co-worker decided to kick me in the teeth and I quit on the spot.

Been in a rental home since November and unemployed ever since. Just turned down a position to be a field tech for a cable company, paid good, full time, etc but I've decided to just get a part time job, look into anything that will fuel my passions for art (like taking daarkens mentorship program... that looks bad ass!) while I work on as much art as I can so I can do what I want to do for a living... I'm not settling for anything else.

Dux, sometime depression is caused by something physical (chemical imbalance etc) but other times there's a deeper root of the cause. For the majority of my life, I suffered from extreme self hatred due to various reasons, most of which were all in my head, aka I believed a lie that I was worthless to anyone and a wast of space. As a result, I was horribly depressed for the majority of my life. It took an encounter with God (literally... talking bout Jesus just to be clear) to make me realize that I was believing a lie. I won't turn this into a discussion relating to ontology or anything metaphysical but there's a good chance there's a deeper problem(s) that's causing your depression.

It could be a physical issue but we're all broken in our own way, maybe it's your brokenness that needs to be properly addressed?

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I struggle to ride a train and you've had a rollercoaster of a time... ugh. I sure do feel a bit dopey. Are things a bit better now for you? Well, I was bullied out of school at a young age, I'm sure that didn't help me very much (Being fat didn't help me, that's why I got in the shape I am now. People don't even recognise me). And yes, I have hated myself for a long time, my physical and emotional state: for not being strong enough, for not being attractive enough... Everytime I've tried to get ontop of this and be positive about myself, something has always comes along to knock my fragile confidence down a peg and I have to start over again. But at least I've gotten really good at building myself back up again, I just need to learn not to get knocked down in the first place

Quote from SpronyvanJohnson

Stopping with smoking always leads to an increase in weight. Smoking kills your appetite so stopping that will make you feel hungry. Eating also gives you something to do instead of smoking. I quit as well and that's why I became fat. Well that and my love for brown mm's. Don't try and chance both at the same time. Focus on quitting first and then tackle eating. Chewing gum helped me a lot. Maybe it helps you too.

Dude, you are probably not going to respond to my offer, but seriously, you can talk to me. I already figured that stuff was going on. You're a hard man to reach and I tried. Anyway, unfortunately I have a lot of experience with depressions. It runs in my family and basically my entire life has revolved around it (I'm manic myself). There have been multiple suicides in my family and I've seen a lot of mental wards because of those people. So I think I can bring years of experiences to the table. No doctor Phil stuff and telling you what to do. No, simply being someone you can relate too helps. The offer stands.

Yeah I appreciate it, if I get down in the dumps again I'll remember

-

tl;dr version: dux is gay

Damn dudes, some heavy stuff in this thread. It sadly doesn’t surprise me that a lot of game dev folks might suffer from depression. I honestly know too little about it to be bold enough and make any kind of suggestion as to what could help, but it really doesn’t sound like something that’s wise to push to the side. Whether it’s trying to deal with it by improving your conditions or getting professional help then that’s got to be better than just neglecting it entirely. Also this is yet another reminder of something that’s generally a tricky thing about the internet, it’s often hard to know if somebody is just goofing around as their internet persona or whether they’re being plagued by some actual problems.

Hmm, anyway, I’m kinda in a weird spot in my life right now, where for the first time in years my social life is actually pretty good and my professional life seems perhaps less good, pretty much a complete reversal of what it used to be like for the last couple of years. I’ve been at a new job for the last 3 months, which I took primarily to get out of my comfort zone (which has been level designing for the last 10 years) and try something more game design oriented…well, that and it’s the best paying job I’ve ever had.

Though I’ve definitely learned a lot of different stuff already, and it does feel quite good to try something very different, then I really miss designing levels and can feel that it’s something that won’t just go away. Thinking about doing a CS:GO map to vent that urge, plus I applied for a gig in the US recently, which sadly looks like it won’t be happening this time.

Been trying to stay at it with doing my own game too, but I’ve definitely taken a larger bite than I can chew, trying and going for doing a procedurally generated game, which probably isn’t the best idea when you’re an absolute programming novice . To that end then I’ve been talking to a couple of really good coder friends about teaming up doing a smaller game together, which is something that’s really motivating me a lot lately.

Apart from that then I’m trying to play fewer games (or be more selective at least), watch less TV series and movies since it feels like I’m wasting my life away on too much of that stuff, and in general it’s been a long time since I’ve spent as much time with friends IRL as I’ve done lately. Though I haven’t really gotten a girlfriend yet, then I’ve been going out a lot more often the last couple of months and had a few one night stands, which has given me more confidence in that area (which is great, because there was nearly none before )

Oh and last weekend I became an uncle, with my brother’s girlfriend giving birth to a little baby girl

Anyway, weird times.

Dux have you tried group therapy? That helped me ten times more then any of the talking sessions with psychologists. I remember one guy in my group who couldn't leave his house by himself. An ambulance had to pick him up every morning. He got so depressed because of his job in a old-age home. Total nerve wreck. But even he was much better after a couple months.

Sort of. Except the group therapy was several of my friends coming to my home for a bit to sort me out, that helped a good deal. One of them drove 5 hours to see, so that was some bro love there.

ahahah dux is gayyyyy. I hope you'll sort that out. I'm not a therapist, and my life isn't better, so I can't help, sooooooorryyyyy.

Anyway enough complainings guys, it's my turn. Where to start lmao, i'm the kind of person with two lifes, i'm a very social person, I love to make friends and I love to get out and talk with strangers, but on the other side I don't really have a lot of 'good' friends, I have two really good friends that I can rely on, but the rest are just a bunch of acquaintances, of course i'm in a good relation with all of them, I know a shitload of people I swear, but we're not true friends.
I'm saying that because it seems like i'm a guy who is unable to keep a relation, not because of the others, but it seems like I simply don't care about keeping up a relation, when I meet someone, we get out together during 2-3 week-ends, everything's going well, and then suddently I just stop to see them, because I get bored of them or because i'm just too lazy.
On the other side, i'm a really introverted person sometime, especially with my family, I barely speak to my sisters, and I barely speak to my parents, I just don't know what to say to them, so when I go back from my job I just lock out in my bedroom and then work on my hobbies, go eat, and then go back to the computer. So I barely see my family while i'm living in the same house lmao.
And more the time passes, the less I have a conversation with them, last time I had a conversation with my sister, it last for 10 seconds, same story with my parents. It fucking sucks tbh, but it's like that, i'm just confined into my silence, and it seems like a mountain to climb if I would want to change that. Anyway.
    
I've lost any confidence in myself since my adolescence when I was 15, I started to get really skinny, and It has been really hard to see me in a mirror since then, so I took the liberty to bully myself for that. Years after years, there haven't been any improvement with my skin, it was in fact, getting worse ahah, so I started to lock myself in my bedroom and spend my whole time in front of the computer.

I love to learn new things, not because I need it, but just because it seems cool, I started to learn to program, making websites and such, but while I took some pleasure to do that, I've been bored really quickly, then I started to learn the C language during some weeks, i've been bored of it even more quickly, and there's a huge list of things I started to learn but wich didn't made it to me, because it was just getting boring after a while. You can put the mapping in the same section, i've collected the unfinished stuffs on tf2, my projects were getting boring after a while, so to resume, my hobbies are now, making maps and making music, and on the other side, i'm learning some stuffs that I know I will get bored of, but I just can't stop to learn. While i'm also learning alot of stuff during my job, as a carpented, by example, i'm now using a brand new software to design cabinets in 3D and then trow them to the CNC automatically, whatever...
    
So in fact, learning new stuff is kinda a good thing, but not finishing any of your projects isn't that good. I'm as always confined into that mood of finding everything boring after a moment.

Another problem is that i'm over analysing my work, the people, myself, it blocks my inspiration, my ideas, I don't understand anymore why I made this or that, and then I give up. While in fact I try to never judge anyone and accept a lot of the mistakes from someone and laugh of it with them, or even help them to get better, I will never, fucking never, accept the fact of doing a mistake, I just can't. The others can make every mistakes they want, even with me, I don't care, really, but I swear I remember every mistakes I made since I'm born, that's a fucking mental jail, and I can't get out of that.

Add to this my poor confidence of myself, and then you have me, scared to do anything, and in fact not living at all, I looks like a robot, doing my job, go to the computer, repeat. I've a shitload of money sitting in my bank account, I don't even know what to do with it lmao. Surprisingly, it could be worse with girls I even made it with a really gorgeous one the last month, i'm fucking tough while i'm kinda ugly, lmao. But I made it, and I don't even know how. But sadly it didn't last long, like all of my other relations.

Anyway, i'm not really complaining, life hasn't been a bitch with me atm, I have a job, I have friends, a car, I go out whenever I want and I don't care about how much money I spend, I try to be a better guy every day, and to not judge anybody anymore, especially myself at first.
Sorry for the english, wich I learned by myself too lmao.

Quote from RaVaGe

Anyway enough complainings guys, it's my turn. Where to start lmao, i'm the kind of person with two lifes, i'm a very social person, I love to make friends and I love to get out and talk with strangers, but on the other side I don't really have a lot of 'good' friends, I have two really good friends that I can rely on, but the rest are just a bunch of acquaintances, of course i'm in a good relation with all of them, I know a shitload of people I swear, but we're not true friends.

I'm saying that because it seems like i'm a guy who is unable to keep a relation, not because of the others, but it seems like I simply don't care about keeping up a relation, when I meet someone, we get out together during 2-3 week-ends, everything's going well, and then suddently I just stop to see them, because I get bored of them or because i'm just too lazy.

On the other side, i'm a really introverted person sometime, especially with my family, I barely speak to my sisters, and I barely speak to my parents, I just don't know what to say to them, so when I go back from my job I just lock out in my bedroom and then work on my hobbies, go eat, and then go back to the computer. So I barely see my family while i'm living in the same house lmao.

I'm similar to you in terms of friends.

I've made a lot of acquaintances and at least *think* I'm pretty good at striking up a conversation with people. Unfortunately, I'm more of a listener so the dynamic often ends up being skewed, with people telling me all about their lives whilst I say little in return about myself. In fact, it's so unusual for someone to ask me how things are going that I often don't know to say! As a result, people don't know much about me which makes it difficult for me to have any 'true' friends who I could rely on for anything. But I guess that's true for a lot of people.

Anyway, my depression has been going on for as long as I can remember, but has got a lot worse since December. It's gotten to the point where I would be sitting at work either feeling like a zombie, completely disconnected from everything around me, or on the verge of breaking into tears. Thankfully, I'm off work until next week and I'm arranging to see a Psychiatrist as soon as my referral comes through from my GP. Whether it will help or not...I don't know. I just need to try it and see how it goes because feeling this way sucks teh bawls.

I think deep down everybody has their own problems and their own ways of dealing with them. I see a lot of stuff here that I partially recognize, but nobody really hits the nail on the head. I used to have a depression as well for the longest time, and my studies kept me from actually achieving what I wanted to do (which I guess back then was a huge contributing factor). But after finishing all of my studies and finally having some breathing room, pretty much everything went away. And I do mean everything. While I was studying the dream and goal was to break into the industry. Now that I have achieved that my days off are spent on nothing and I often feel without purpose. I have generally seen a lot of death in my life... perhaps more than the average person, which most likely has shaped into what I am/was. My mother, the only family I ever had, died 2 years ago of cancer, and that ripped out a part of me. I had and still have very few friends. All of this together made me just not care about anything. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I could probably do it indefinitely, but it feels like an empty existence, and none of the goddamn knowledge I have accumulated over the many many years of reflection and studying has, or most likely won't fill that emptiness. It's like having all the answers except the one you need yourself.

I started doing a lot of bad things, including drinking a lot. More stuff followed, none that I will speak of here because it is simply too fucked up. There's a border between where your problems are just your problems and when they become everybody's problems, and I'm not about to cross that line... both because I am very private person, but also because of the severity of the things I've done. This is most likely shit I will have to take to my grave, at whatever cost to my psyche.

For anyone else reading this, take note: Don't leave yourself purposeless, because it will drive your mind to the edge of your sanity, and it will cause you to do shit that will not put you in a good light. It really is the journey and not the goal that matters.

Quote from Sentura

My mother, the only family I ever had, died 2 years ago of cancer, and that ripped out a part of me.

Dude, I'm so sory I even can't imagine how painful that was, I love my mam sooo much, that I can't event image how I will take that day when it comes . . . life is fucked up sometimes i guess.

Some of the post here are long so I didn't read them all, as for me I will put the propper post in couple of days, when some of my business will be sort out

Quote from RaVaGe

Anyway enough complainings guys, it's my turn. Where to start lmao, i'm the kind of person with two lifes, i'm a very social person, I love to make friends and I love to get out and talk with strangers, but on the other side I don't really have a lot of 'good' friends, I have two really good friends that I can rely on, but the rest are just a bunch of acquaintances, of course i'm in a good relation with all of them, I know a shitload of people I swear, but we're not true friends.

I'm saying that because it seems like i'm a guy who is unable to keep a relation, not because of the others, but it seems like I simply don't care about keeping up a relation, when I meet someone, we get out together during 2-3 week-ends, everything's going well, and then suddently I just stop to see them, because I get bored of them or because i'm just too lazy.

On the other side, i'm a really introverted person sometime, especially with my family, I barely speak to my sisters, and I barely speak to my parents, I just don't know what to say to them, so when I go back from my job I just lock out in my bedroom and then work on my hobbies, go eat, and then go back to the computer. So I barely see my family while i'm living in the same house lmao.

And more the time passes, the less I have a conversation with them, last time I had a conversation with my sister, it last for 10 seconds, same story with my parents. It fucking sucks tbh, but it's like that, i'm just confined into my silence, and it seems like a mountain to climb if I would want to change that. Anyway.

I've lost any confidence in myself since my adolescence when I was 15, I started to get really skinny, and It has been really hard to see me in a mirror since then, so I took the liberty to bully myself for that. Years after years, there haven't been any improvement with my skin, it was in fact, getting worse ahah, so I started to lock myself in my bedroom and spend my whole time in front of the computer.

So in fact, learning new stuff is kinda a good thing, but not finishing any of your projects isn't that good. I'm as always confined into that mood of finding everything boring after a moment.

Another problem is that i'm over analysing my work, the people, myself, it blocks my inspiration, my ideas, I don't understand anymore why I made this or that, and then I give up. While in fact I try to never judge anyone and accept a lot of the mistakes from someone and laugh of it with them, or even help them to get better, I will never, fucking never, accept the fact of doing a mistake, I just can't. The others can make every mistakes they want, even with me, I don't care, really, but I swear I remember every mistakes I made since I'm born, that's a fucking mental jail, and I can't get out of that.

Add to this my poor confidence of myself, and then you have me, scared to do anything, and in fact not living at all, I looks like a robot, doing my job, go to the computer, repeat. I've a shitload of money sitting in my bank account, I don't even know what to do with it lmao. Surprisingly, it could be worse with girls I even made it with a really gorgeous one the last month, i'm fucking tough while i'm kinda ugly, lmao. But I made it, and I don't even know how. But sadly it didn't last long, like all of my other relations.

Anyway, i'm not really complaining, life hasn't been a bitch with me atm, I have a job, I have friends, a car, I go out whenever I want and I don't care about how much money I spend, I try to be a better guy every day, and to not judge anybody anymore, especially myself at first.

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Waho, It was like I was reading in my own brain

It makes me really sad that so many of you are having problems. Even if you don't have hope, hang in there brothers! Because everything seems impossible until it's done. Let me clarify:

I had a dream childhood and I was very spoiled. Got into a good school because I'm good learner. Everything was going according to plan and I was on my way to become an archaeologist. But then shit hit the fan. My parents separated. Not long after my mother, who had tried it several times before (regardless of therapy), finally succeeded in her suicide attempt. My father was gone with his new girlfriend, my mother was dead and at 15 and I was alone (due to my mother's illness there was no contact with the rest of the family because she hated them all). I got kicked out of school and found refuge in a life of drugs and crime. Most figured I would be dead before my 21st birthday. Leaving that world behind seemed impossible and I spent 6 years doing all the wrong things.

Then I connected to my ex girlfriends mother. She saw me as her child and tried to save me. Because of her I was clean for a while, she found me a school and a job in computers and me and my father grew close again. After I broke up with my ex I had a relapse but because of her mother I kept in school and managed to keep the job. After a devastating speech from her husband about me needing to stop complaining and man the fuck up, I convinced myself that I wouldn't go down like that. The hardest decision of my life was to move away and break contact with my old friends. After several attempts it became clear that this was the only way to escape that world. When I was 22 I decided to buy a house with another ex girlfriend in a different city. Within 6 months she left me. Now I had to work for a mortgage that I couldn't afford. Another relapse followed.

It was the summer of 2007. Even though I managed to get a better mortgage, received several diplomas and managed to find a new better paying job, I was full circle again. New drugs/crime friends, lots of partying and random sex. Then I misbehaved at a work party. I felt so guilty the next day that I decided enough is enough. I didn't come all this way to drown on the fucking beach. I turned my life around. I stopped doing hard drugs/hard drinking since 2008 and I even quit smoking. I met my wife. I rebuild a social life with "normal" people. I keep getting promoted at my job (including new diplomas). Now we've got our own house, our own cars, a well paying job, a good social life and we're becoming parents soon.

Which is a big contrast with 15 years ago. Then I had a mattress on the floor in the corner of a empty room. Now I'm going to play family guy. I've lost a lot of people and I had to relearn basic social stuff. Because being on your own for so long, without supervision, kinda makes you an asshole. Everyday is a struggle not to fall back to whatever vice I used to be addicted to. Something nobody in my environment can relate too. It's hard and it drains you. Being manic doesn't help either. But I'm here, writing, getting jobs, trying to make my dreams a reality.

The point of this history of Sprony is that you all can make it. I used to spend weekends in jail cells but now I'm playing with kids at a party. I used to be addicted to a lot of things, now I only eat too much. I used to be alone, now I have a family. I used to be broke, now I got money in the bank. Everything you ever want can be accomplished by sheer determination and help from the people that love you. Because nobody can make it out here alone. Also, never be ashamed for being you or for your past. It has made you the man you are today. Thanks to my history I can tell wild stories that most people will claim that they're bullshit. In those 15 years I had enough bad and good experiences for a life time. So you see my friends, everything seems impossible until it's done

Quote from knj

Dude, I'm so sory I even can't imagine how painful that was, I love my mam sooo much, that I can't event image how I will take that day when it comes . . . life is fucked up sometimes i guess.

Some of the post here are long so I didn't read them all, as for me I will put the propper post in couple of days, when some of my business will be sort out

Thanks man. I appreciate it.

Guys, google "fake it till you make it" and "happiness is a choice", look into that kind of psychology. It obviously won't work if you're in an ongoing painful situation right now but if your life is somewhat stable and you know you shouldn't feel the way you do then stop focusing on the negative... Stop that downwards spiral. I guess we're all different and handle our emotions a bit differently but you don't have to be a slave to your (sometimes nonsensical) feelings, get out of bed, focus on the good shit. Whenever I'm feeling jealous/sad/whatever of that silly crap I just analyze it for a bit and then just throw that away, there's no need to wallow in that stuff for hours/days. You'd be surprised about how much control you have over your state of mind. Realizing this has been a big boost for me in my everyday life. It won't help you over the big life changing stuff but it will get you through the normal grind of life easier.

None of this helps if you have a clinical depression or other kinds of chemical imbalances though... Get treated. And to everyone who's been having it tough lately with legit fucked up shit, hang in there bro's!

Also the person that suggested to cut out pr0n, seriously just do it or cut it back severely, that stuff is toxic to your brain.

That being said, I've had it easy so far without any major setbacks. There's been a couple of deaths but that's just a part of life, I feel like they've only made me realize how much I should appreciate that I'm still alive and should live it while I can. Since last September I've basically said yes whenever someone asked me out to do something random cos there might not be a tomorrow. This has made me a much happier person. I guess I've had some winter blues (lack of sun lawl) and some hurdles of moving abroad and having to leave everything and friends behind which has been tough and lonely at times but gotten over it...

I get through the years by setting longtime goals that are achievable (for instance now running 5km under 20:00). I feel stuff like that is one of my keys to happiness, you just need something to work towards, basically have a future prospect. To me it feels like my success has been a combination of luck/skill and a chain-effect of my mindset. Happiness is contagious, people pick up on it and treat you better and give you more opportunities, which in turn makes you happier and etc, it's a chain-effect... While being negative has the opposite downwards effect. Start today, even if your day is shit, there's got to be something you're enjoying, go for a walk... You're still alive guys, live your life while you still can! Do something new.

Man, my life doesn't seem so bad now. I use to complain about my dick getting caught in the toaster, but not anymore.

Quote from Thrik

The whole cutting back on porn thing has caught my attention after being brought up by two people now. Why is that? Is it the porn itself you're saying is a bad thing or the fap? I definitely agree that it's best to avoid either if you're actively pursuing relations because it kind of takes away your drive to bother and you don't be as forward as you should.

As for me, week was going pretty well then yesterday I was basically crippled and could barely move all day — think I strained my back through moving heavy shit and/or sleeping badly. Feeling a bit better today so hopefully going to get some productive stuff done. Got new MapCore content to publish, a surprise £250 bill from my ISP after moving to get pissed off about, and a Wii U to order.

Da fuck?

http://www.depressionquest.com/

Reading some of these life experiences has been a real eye-opener and quite heartbreaking ( I shed tears, I know I'm a little girl), its bizarre how much I can relate to some of you. I'm very grateful about how open some of you have been, knowing that people who share the same interests and goals as I do have been through these types of experiences makes me feel like I'm not alone. I feel it only right that I share my own.

I had a great upbringing, I've always felt safe, lucky, and had a loving family. I have dealt depression and anxiety for most of my life but managed to get through it. Around May 2012, after dropping out of University and remaining unemployed, I began to withdraw from everything, my friends, my family. I was filled with anger and frustration about my life and decisions I had made. By October, I was spending 23 and half hours a day in my small bedroom, sat on a shit chair in-front of a computer all day. I had completely shut myself off from my family, I avoided them as much as I could, and never spoke to them, even though we all lived in the same house. I have never felt such utter misery in my life, I had destroyed everything I cared about, and I had lost my family, or rather they had lost me, I had torn the family apart. I was certain that I had lost any chance of ever rebuilding my life, and had some really negative things running through my mind. It was only when my parents called my doctor to come visit me, that I actually started talking to someone. I remained like this until around April 2013, an entire year of the same shit all day long, I have no fucking clue how I got through it. My depression turned into severe anxiety, and I couldn't stay quiet anymore. I very slowly started talking to my parents again, just a few words a day. I cannot begin to describe how difficult these first steps were. The anxiety made me restless, and I actually started leaving my room and walking around the house. I now felt guilt and shame over what i had done, not over the past year but throughout my entire life. I had realized that it was me that had put myself in this situation, because of all the stupid things I had done. I started taking medication, for both the depression and anxiety. I also started learning about Buddhism, and learnt a great deal about happiness and becoming a better, kinder person. I'm not a Buddhist, but some of the teachings are so bloody obvious and make so much sense, yet are overlooked by so many. Over the next few months, I began talking to my parents more, I started leaving the house with them, going on walks and I started visiting my doctor. All of this was extremely tiring and difficult, but I couldn't go back, I had to keep at it and gradually reconnect with them.

Throughout this entire time, when each day felt meaningless, I never stopped making stuff, maps, models and I kept on learning. Days would pass doing this. In November, when I was still recovering, I was contacted out of the blue and given a job offer. It meant moving to the bottom of the country, away from my family who I felt like I had just got back, I was also due to start therapy. My parents were very encouraging, but I didn't want to leave them without making up for the lost time. However I said yes, and two weeks later I had moved to an alien place, was living on my own, and working in an office with people I barely knew. It was bizarre, and I struggled for a few weeks to keep it together and settle in, but I did it.

I now have my own little flat in a lovely location, a job I enjoy, and some points in the bank. My confidence is better than it has ever been, and I feel like I've achieved more by taking this job opportunity than I would have gained through therapy. But most importantly, I have my family back. I have learnt that family is everything, its all I need, I might be a long way away from them now, but we are together again, I love them so much and I will never let anything come between us.

I have Mapcore to thank for helping me get through that time. I visited here every day, had EOT to entertain me, people to communicate with, and was inspired by all the cool stuff you guys come out with.

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tl;dr - I wrecked myself, recovered, learnt lessons, now I'm happy