What's going on with your life?

    Forgot to mention, go watch "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. Even if you don't like the guy, there's still a lesson in that movie. Sure it makes a bit of fun with it but trust me, it's an eye opener. I'm not messing with you guys either. Whenever I'm really really down I put this on or Rocky Balboa

    Wow I had no idea some of you were battling so much dark shit. I just want to take the time to say that Dux you are so incredibly talented and there's been so many moments that I wish that I was you.


    But then I had no idea about that other side of you. The stuff you were dealing with. I wish I could help, but all I can really say is that I know there's a lot of stigma in Europe against going to doctors when all you have is dark thoughts and I just want you (all of you) to know that you should not feel that way. Oh and, if your current doctor is not working out for you, don't give up on doctors, just try another doctor.


    ---


    I think its weird how positivity and negativity works. There's so many reasons why I could be unhappy. I mean, I still beat myself up about how much of a failure PONH/ESE was, and how most of it was my fault. And so much stuff has happened since then that I should stop blaming myself for that by now. And if I focus too much on those things I start feeling really shitty, but luckily my mind usually blanks all that shit out. Day to day basis I don't have time to think about it.


    And whenever I start thinking about the negative stuff my mind usually just goes something like this: Are you fucking serious? All your life you've been devoted to creating games, and now you are doing it professionally. You have a wife, two children, you own your flat, a car and have a supporting family and a bunch of really close friends that would be at your door immediately if you asked. Stop complaining.


    I guess I don't have time to think about those sort of things lately either, with having a second baby to deal with and all. Summer vacation is coming up too, and there's just so much more planning involved when you have kids. I'm really looking forward to just sitting in a chair on a lawn with a beer in my hand. But I know that will probably never happen in 20 years lol I'll be too busy running after my kids

    Quote from dux

    I struggle to ride a train and you've had a rollercoaster of a time... ugh. I sure do feel a bit dopey. Are things a bit better now for you? Well, I was bullied out of school at a young age, I'm sure that didn't help me very much (Being fat didn't help me, that's why I got in the shape I am now. People don't even recognise me). And yes, I have hated myself for a long time, my physical and emotional state: for not being strong enough, for not being attractive enough... Everytime I've tried to get ontop of this and be positive about myself, something has always comes along to knock my fragile confidence down a peg and I have to start over again. But at least I've gotten really good at building myself back up again, I just need to learn not to get knocked down in the first place


    Yeah man, everything's on the right track now as far as the house goes, it took a bit of a battle with the insurance company (go with an adjuster if your house ever burns down btw!!! Oh yeah, get home owners insurance too! I would be completely screwed without insurance or an adjuster) but they've cut the checks for all the items lost and the house, which has been torn down and the construction company we've gone with (recommended by the adjuster, again, go with an adjuster if this happens to you) should start framing the house soon. Hopefully it's no longer than 4 months to rebuild, gonna cost the insurance company $300k+ once it's all said and done, just for the house. So the worst part of all of these events is over for me, now it's just a matter of time.


    Don't feel dopey bro, depression and fear that cripples you from doing what you want to do, even simply tasks like riding a train or going to the store for crap you need, it's sucks big time. I was so full of self hatred, many of the things you mentioned (thinking I'm not attractive enough or strong enough etc) constantly haunted my thoughts when I was in public. I couldn't just be the awesome person that I am because the voices that screamed lies into my heart day and night were all I heard, especially in a social setting.


    But that's the thing... they're lies. They aren't true so why should I give a lie any power over how I feel, especially if they're preventing me from being who I am and who I was made to be? Again, I don't want to turn this discussion into anything other than what we're all going through, good or bad, but the lies are silenced when I remember who made me and why He made me. Anyone who's curious or has no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to pm me or something. The main point I want to get across to dux and anyone else who can relate, the majority of what's keeping you in the dark place you live in is most likely because you're believing lies. The world seems to have an infinite amount of knowledge when it comes to breaking people and making them think they're less than human, be it through bulling, abuse, neglect, perversion, etc. Our brokenness points to something beyond ourselves and so does the cure.


    Skjalg makes a very good point in stepping back and really examining your life to see if your thoughts are reflecting the way things actually are as opposed to how you think they are. When you're in the complete blackness of depression though, this is a seemingly impossible task. However, once you're out of it, this is a very wise thing to do and one way to ensure you don't find yourself walking down a path you shouldn't be going.

    Quote from Bunglo

    Enlightment


    Listen to Bunglo Dux (or anyone else). This is the key to fighting depression. You have to know, realize and accept the fact that your mind is out to talk you down. That's basically what the disease (regardless of the variation) comes down to. Your head messes with you and tries to convince you that you're ugly, worthless, etc. Always monitor this. You have to become aware when your mind starts messing with you. With practice, you'll start to pick up on this. It won't make you feel better but at least you know it's bullshit. The real danger is going a long with those thoughts.


    When the above comes more natural to you it also becomes easier for you to ignore it. Yes, you'll keep struggling with it but you won't get carried away. As a movie geek, I always like to use movie examples. In this case "A Beautiful Mind" with Russel Crowe. In the movie he decides not to take his medicine which means he'll continue to see people who aren't actually there. He simply chooses to ignore them. There's a powerful lesson in that and it's exactly what Bunglo is referring to.


    Let me close with an example of how much a depression likes to mess with you. My wife and I tried for over 2 years to get a child. When it finally worked we're overjoyed but a couple of days later I was really depressed (welcome to the world of a manic). My head started to talk to me:"You see, you don't want a child because why aren't you happy?", "You're a bad dad because this is not what good dads do", "You don't love her, maybe you shouldn't be with your wife if you can't rejoice in having a child together". Untrained, one could get carried away with that and suffer the consequences. Trained however, you notice it and you realize it's that time again. Then you simply ignore it. The longer you ignore it the weaker it gets. Also hold on to reality. I knew the example above was bullshit because I love my wife and we've been through hell to get a child. Knowing that and hanging on to that makes the ignoring part easier.

    What's going on in your life?

    mapping, walking the dog, hanging around in central park!


    ...open invitation to the guys feeling down; get weekend tickets to nyc, crash at my place, lets have a good'ol mapping weekend! get hammered and talk about hammer

    My son is really interested in two things.


    Dinosaurs and Captain Sabertooth (fictional pirate).


    So I've now arranged to take the family to Kristiansand Zoo to look at crocodiles (dinosaurs?) and take a boat trip with Captain Sabertooth! It's going to be AWESOME


    I think maybe I'm more excited than my son lol

    Some genuine real talk has occurred in this thread. I just finished reading it all, I saw the thread when it was first made, but I had no idea it would turn into this. I feel for all you guys going through your issues and getting through them, especially you dux. I may be a new mapcore member of only a year but you guys are all incredibly kind towards each other its really swell. I personally am dealing with my own issues, I have grown as a level designer the past year working on BlackGold and Import, which is great, and I hope to be moving in November, but I still have confidence problems. I have an alright social life, but my living situation is my downfall. I never realized it really, im only 19, I turn 20 in two months, so maybe that could be why I never realized it or just because I grew up with it, but some of my friends have pointed it out. My entire life ive been in this situation thats out Dr Phil. My upbringing has been and still to this day is based around putting me down. My step father, who raised me, is essentially an adult bully. Lets say I would want to map today, get a little creative, then bam, some shit happens or whatever and im just dead with no will to do anything for the rest of the day, which in turn becomes a waste of a day. Sure I can move out and do whatever, but as it stands I have no where to go. So living my whole life like this ive grown accustomed to it, until just about a year ago, a good friend of mine, became really concerned for me, pointing out that the situation I live in is in fact unhealthy and is beginning to fuck me in my mental state. I look back and can realize, wow, I really have been affected by my upbringing, which really sucks. So yeah, im just dealing with that shit, and trying to move past it, and having the opportunity to move to CA this year will definitely be a move in the right direction, its just being able to last until then which is the hard part. (not that im going to kill my self, dont worry) So wrapping it up, you're all great people, everyone here has issues to deal with and I hope everyone including my self gets past them and lives a fulfilling life.

    Quote from holiestcows

    Some genuine real talk has occurred in this thread. I just finished reading it all, I saw the thread when it was first made, but I had no idea it would turn into this. I feel for all you guys going through your issues and getting through them, especially you dux. I may be a new mapcore member of only a year but you guys are all incredibly kind towards each other its really swell. I personally am dealing with my own issues, I have grown as a level designer the past year working on BlackGold and Import, which is great, and I hope to be moving in November, but I still have confidence problems. I have an alright social life, but my living situation is my downfall. I never realized it really, im only 19, I turn 20 in two months, so maybe that could be why I never realized it or just because I grew up with it, but some of my friends have pointed it out. My entire life ive been in this situation thats out Dr Phil. My upbringing has been and still to this day is based around putting me down. My step father, who raised me, is essentially an adult bully. Lets say I would want to map today, get a little creative, then bam, some shit happens or whatever and im just dead with no will to do anything for the rest of the day, which in turn becomes a waste of a day. Sure I can move out and do whatever, but as it stands I have no where to go. So living my whole life like this ive grown accustomed to it, until just about a year ago, a good friend of mine, became really concerned for me, pointing out that the situation I live in is in fact unhealthy and is beginning to fuck me in my mental state. I look back and can realize, wow, I really have been affected by my upbringing, which really sucks. So yeah, im just dealing with that shit, and trying to move past it, and having the opportunity to move to CA this year will definitely be a move in the right direction, its just being able to last until then which is the hard part. (not that im going to kill my self, dont worry) So wrapping it up, you're all great people, everyone here has issues to deal with and I hope everyone including my self gets past them and lives a fulfilling life.


    I actually went through similar problems back in the days like most people here. Game dev is a very new profession and older people have no clue what the hell it is about. My mom was always bitching about how the other kids had good jobs already and all I did was staying at home wasting my time on stupid maps for stupid games. We had some pretty big arguments back then but instead of feeling down I always used that anger to map even harder so one day I could break into the industry and "prove her wrong". Today I know that all she wanted was for me to get out, get a job and live a happy life, but from her perspective making maps was a complete waste of time. I can't blame her though, she was raised in a small town where everyone was told to do whatever would bring money as a profession. "Don't be a fool following stupid dreams because you will end up under a bridge or something" was the mentality back there.


    The irony is that she has always been pretty unhappy with her career choice and had I followed her advice I would probably be in the same situation now, pushing my "kids" to study harder to get a good job that pays well and the cycle would go on forever lol


    I'm glad she did that though, one day I challenged myself to prove her wrong and used that as a motivation to work even harder

    Quote from Minos

    I actually went through similar problems back in the days like most people here. Game dev is a very new profession and older people have no clue what the hell it is about. My mom was always bitching about how the other kids had good jobs already and all I did was staying at home wasting my time on stupid maps for stupid games. We had some pretty big arguments back then but instead of feeling down I always used that anger to map even harder so one day I could break into the industry and "prove her wrong". Today I know that all she wanted was for me to get out, get a job and live a happy life, but from her perspective making maps was a complete waste of time. I can't blame her though, she was raised in a small town where everyone was told to do whatever would bring money as a profession. "Don't be a fool following stupid dreams because you will end up under a bridge or something" was the mentality back there.


    The irony is that she has always been pretty unhappy with her career choice and had I followed her advice I would probably be in the same situation now, pushing my "kids" to study harder to get a good job that pays well and the cycle would go on forever lol


    I'm glad she did that though, one day I challenged myself to prove her wrong and used that as a motivation to work even harder

    Yeah its how my step dad is, he dropped out of HS, and has worked hard his entire LIFE and still is unhappy and then critics me for my life choices. So dealing with all that, then trying to find the motivation to go do some level design or learn a new tool like Maya or something is just so challenging. Im grateful though for where I am now and im excited to move out.

    Hehe yeah I remember very well when I asked my parents if I could take 1 year off after high school to spend on making maps (This was the year HL2 came out). Unsurprisingly we had a huge fight and I ended up having to study at the university that year. After the first semester my grades were D, D and E. The next semester I didn't show up.


    But it was not because I was creating levels, it was because I was playing World of Warcraft.


    So my parents were right all along, I would not spend that year working hard, I would just spend it playing games and wasting my time. And after realizing what a failure I was and that I did not hold up to my own wows I was pretty depressed. But I turned it around. So the next year I switched schools (same study) and improved my grades considerably and finished my bachelors in programming after 3 more years, which in turn led me to the games industry with a (perhaps?) more fulfilling job than creating levels (at least for me).

    My life?

    Currently working my ass off on my bachelor assignment which I managed to settle for something that I don't really enjoy.. It's going ok and I'm finish by the end of May, so whatever.. I did however waste a few grades, I have 2 D's and 1 B, the rest is C's, I wish I had worked my ass off all the time, doing stuff that I like so that my grades would at least look like I'm trying instead of being mediocre.


    Then a little vacation/Home Guard stuff, and I need to get 3 credits of english to be able to apply to a school in Canada to do a post bachelor diploma in January. If I don't get into the school in Canada, then I'm fucking lost. There is no Masters or post bachelor schools like it, and I have no clue if I'm even able to get a job without some specializing. I'm really scared.


    I do have my own little business, but at the moment it's impossible to make a months worth of money by sewing tactical gear in Norway, unless I manage to get some contracts with the SOF community or similar deals. I mostly do it because I like it, and money haven't been the motivation once, and a higher income means more problems with the accounting, so I'd have to hire someone to do it. Bleeeerhhhh.

    Ok so it's time for me.

    BIG changes in my life, as you know I'm starting in new job at CDP R now, which is a big step for me as for carrier and as for life itself. This next 3 months will be hard but i need to prove myself.
    Before, I was working with The Farm 51 but I was working in my house, and just 1-2 times per month I was in the "company" to talk about stuff and plan stuff Now I'm going full time, which i just think is great for me.

    No one here knows this but I was (still am for next two weeks) a computer science teacher in junior high school and man that job changed me. I can't tell what's going on in other countries but here in Poland, daaaym. About 10 years ago I was considering polish school system to be really TOP in the WORLD srsly. I have friend who continued study in US. Back in Poland they were average but in US they felt like fucking genius. What i saw in my 6 years of teaching ? every new year kids are getting STUPID (srsly, I can't think about other word than that), lazy, cant think on their own and thinks that ALL they want they NEED to get this. Teaching level is nothing like I was kid in school, back those days me (as a student) had respect for my teachers, I wanted to have good grades and my Mam was paying attention to me. Now those kid do nothing, but play games, speak one to another via FB (even when those fuckers are in class sitting one next to the other ). Parents don't give a shit about those kids and mostly are tucking even more stupid than the kid ! ! ! That 6 year changed me in bad and good ways. Bad - cause i know all what 14-17 years are up to this days and believe me, bad shit is in those small heads ! I started to be an ignorant when it comes to talking about those students, I know that not all of those kids are bad and lazy but MOST of them are.
    But as I said it also changed me in a GOOD way, first of all i hated that job so my new, is like a blessing, second i really now how to handle teenagers and that knowledge will be GOLD for me when the time comes for my own lil bastard
    So basically, I know I'm on right tracks now, very happy and feel good about that new road that is ahead of me !

    Quote from holiestcows

    ...


    It's good you realize that you're in a bad situation and that you're taking steps to move out. I do want to leave you with one piece of advice. Let the past be the past. This advice might not even apply to you. However, I've seen too many people that realize something, start digging and go down hill from there. Now I'm not saying you should ignore your problems. But if they're oblivious for you and you already have enough incentive to change your life (based on how you're treated), just let it go. In some cases, ignorance is truly bliss.


    Quote from knj

    ...


    I never pictured you as a teacher. But I get where you're coming from. That's my biggest fear, ruining my daughter. Because you're spot on regarding kids these days. It's ridiculous. Also the whole attitude towards upbringing pisses me off. Parents and teachers can't do shit anymore. We're raising lazy, fat and weak children. I'm not saying you should abuse your child but they have to know there are consequences. I only got hit a couple of times by my parents but oh boy did I deserve each and everyone of them.


    The same goes with respect. It might seem trivial to some but for instance, I was at a family gathering. New people were coming in so they go around and greet people by shaking there hands. Multiple people (not only kids) didn't even have the goddamn courtesy to stand up when someone wants to shake their hand.


    Last but not least, the lack of discipline. Give me money for that, I want this now, I want...I want... You get the point. You want something, you work for it. Can't work yet? Safe your allowance. Want more allowance, help around the house. Nothing is free in this world and the sooner kids learn that, the better. Sometimes I'm eating with friends and there kids don't eat this or that. No, they get a separate meal of what they want to eat. WTF? When I didn't want my vegetables, I didn't get any food until I ate it. It's so simple. Parents getting bossed around.


    Nah, we're gonna do it different. I will go to the end of the world for my daughter but she will learn respect, hard work and discipline. One way or the other. Also, she isn't even born yet and the media already tries to tell you what you're child can and cannot see or do. They want to shelter them from everything and make them completely oblivious to anything. Sorry media, we'll decide whether or not our daughter is ready to see some a certain movie, wear make up, go out, etc.


    Sorry, rant over

    My girlfriend moved in with me. Big step in my life as I was used being alone. I love it though. Its crazy how happy she makes me.


    Next to that I am going to meetups every week. Science, psychology, technology, entrepreneurship, ...

    Anything that makes me meet interesting people that want to reflect on my personal project to teach problem solving with video games. Currently it is being quite hard as I am doing much hours at work. But I like the challenge of finding the right balance.


    Every day I have been able to learn something new in my life. So I don`t have much to complain.

    My wife and I are moving in with my parents

    Just for a month or so !

    Tbh, can't wait to leave Boston and go back home to see family and friends again. Also, I plan on building a bookshelf from scratch... or maybe a nice table... we will see... my dad has every tool known to man in the garage.

Participate now!

Don’t have an account yet? Register yourself now and be a part of our community!

Register Yourself Login