What's going on with your life?

    Quote from (HP)

    rotfl who the fuck am I? Dr. Phil?


    just a burrito guy...


    I also quit smoking months ago Stepp. I don't miss it anymore but I do enjoy it occasionally with alcohol


    My life has been pretty good too. I've grown a lot as an artist in the past few months and I've been challenging myself daily to get better. I've been working out again (blizzard bootcamp ftw) and i fucking love it. I'm also always looking for new knowledge (in any subject really). Anything you learn can be applied in your life somehow.


    I wasn't like that though. If I go back 6 or 7 months, all I did was playing games and doing useless stuff. I kind of feel like I went through a "rebirth" period in the past months where I rediscovered long lost simple pleasures, like drawing, going out for a hike and enjoying nature, enjoying time with my wife, enjoying the place I live (i know this won't last forever), enjoying my cats, enjoying quality time with friends etc...


    I haven't completed much personal work in the past 2 years, in part because being a Blizzard artist brings a lot of pressure and that shit can totally get in the way if you let it (like I did). One big lesson I learned with all of this was to not give a crap if people judge me or not... and most importantly, I try real hard not to judge people anymore. I can already see very positive results thanks to that.


    I feel that all the stuff that happened in my life (good and bad) in the past months ultimately made me a much better person. I'm more focused at work now, I'm nicer to people (which in turn are nicer to me) and I enjoy life a lot more than I did before

    Quote from dux

    I'm in the best shape of my life. I have the job I've always wanted. I have a lot of money saved up in my accounts. I have a nice decent wage. I live in a nice flat. Have nice things. An ok social life. And I'm incredibly depressed, stressed and fed up. I've suffered with depression all my life, but only recently am I starting to think I might actually be bi-polar with how up and down I'm always feeling. I watched a tv show about bipolarism by stephen fry who happens to be bi polar and a lot of it struck a chord, so yeah.


    If you think you're depressed you're probably depressed.

    Best of luck Thrik, as other said when you change is because you feel the need to. Tip of the hat for going through with it!

    Dux if you acknowledge you feel depressed please do something, my aunt suffered the problem for a few years and it's painful. Understanding you have the problem is definitely a fundamental step, so, that's good.

    ~

    Workwise I still haven't searched anything better than my temporary (as of original plans) position. I enjoy the people and the place, and I like to think that with a little motivation I could really pursue a lot of my personal projects, which to try finding a job in the vg biz I need to do anyway.

    I ain't got 99 problems and the bitch is the one.

    Recently enjoying seeing the girl that sorta turned me down some time ago is already having problems with the guy she's seeing.

    Instead, the one girl that I really liked all along since I got in Britain got drunk again at a bday and smooched me all over (but the lips) again in the back of the minibus while the others were singing unaware in front of us, told me "You will always be a very important friend for me, understand??!". Then few days later the guy she's been seeing for a few months stayed throughout the easter break here at the centre. Then Monday I ask her to watch a movie together and she turns me down but says we definitely should start watching movies together (she proposed that herself the night I was leaving for my trip back in Italy at beginning of April, after we spent the night watching a movie she asked me to watch together); morning after she's super-beautiful with just her hair straightened, all smiley to me, we have a "talk-about-nothing" but intimate chat during break... then Wednesday the guy is here again and morning after they left together.

    Fuck damn.

    I was on medication for years. I don't want and don't need to (in my opinion) take medication anymore. I'm also agoraphobic, hence why I work the way I do and have really bad anxiety. Basically I'm a fucking mess. Living in a big city, or even another country would put me into meltdown and no future studio employer would need or want to put up with that. Plus I can't model for shit anyway and that's all working in the games industry is these days. Models and programming lolz generalisationz, Again, this is why I live in the middle of nowhere doing what I do. Probably all of you think I'm crazy but it is what I find helps me best.

    Back at the end of October, I came home from work to find that my house had burned down, I lost everything but the shirt on my back, my car, and my phone. Two of my dogs died in the fire (one of those dogs was my shadow... miss that guy), and the third got out but later had to be put to sleep a few weeks later because she couldn't keep down water, vets said the surgery to remove what was blocking her kidneys (they presumed she swallowed a wood chip or something) would have been $2000+ and she was so weak from not having any water/food for a few days, she might not even had made it out of surgery.


    My mom ended up in the mental ward (again) as all of this was happening (I was up in a hotel at this point), and within a few weeks of the fire, I lost it at work as a co-worker decided to kick me in the teeth and I quit on the spot.


    Been in a rental home since November and unemployed ever since. Just turned down a position to be a field tech for a cable company, paid good, full time, etc but I've decided to just get a part time job, look into anything that will fuel my passions for art (like taking daarkens mentorship program... that looks bad ass!) while I work on as much art as I can so I can do what I want to do for a living... I'm not settling for anything else.


    Dux, sometime depression is caused by something physical (chemical imbalance etc) but other times there's a deeper root of the cause. For the majority of my life, I suffered from extreme self hatred due to various reasons, most of which were all in my head, aka I believed a lie that I was worthless to anyone and a wast of space. As a result, I was horribly depressed for the majority of my life. It took an encounter with God (literally... talking bout Jesus just to be clear) to make me realize that I was believing a lie. I won't turn this into a discussion relating to ontology or anything metaphysical but there's a good chance there's a deeper problem(s) that's causing your depression.


    It could be a physical issue but we're all broken in our own way, maybe it's your brokenness that needs to be properly addressed?


    Jesus man...let us know if you need any help, I'm sure the core could give a helping hand to a fellow hurgbrotha in need~


    Also, Dux, if you are not happy with your life the worst thing you can do is to shut in and keep doing the same things over and over. I don't know you, but maybe that's exactly what's making the depression worse. I know it's hard as fuck for you to go out, but you need to force yourself and try it. Try different things until you find something that helps you get over your depression, it might be something really simple like getting a dog or a cat or making a new friend. Or you could learn modeling, if you didn't like 3ds max try Maya or even Zbrush... Just make shit and don't expect any results and you will get the hang of it eventually, I know several people much less talented than you artistically that are good at modeling.


    I have never been depressed but I was angry a few times in my life, specially when I was 19 or so. What helped me get over that anger and turn it into something productive was trying completely different activities than what I was doing at the time, like starting a business (I had a graphic design office with a friend for a few months), skateboarding, getting a girlfriend (it's not that hard, you just have to commit and actively look for one lol) and etc...


    When I got my first job I was shy, lazy and insecure as hell. I would have never looked for that job if it wasn't for my mom yelling and bitching about me all day long. The job was at an army recruitment center, asking people questions and filling forms on a goddamn typewriter all day. When I found out I was going do that I basically freaked out, there was no way I could work at a public place and talk to people I didn't know. My first day was fucking horrible, the "senior" dudes basically gave me a paper with really shitty instructions and took off, leaving me to figure out all that shit by myself. Anyways, after a few months of "manning up", I was completely able to impose myself and even tell dudes that were a lot bigger and older to shut the fuck up if they were being too roudy lmao.


    I'm pretty sure that if it wasn't for my mom basically dropping me at that place, I would still be extremely shy and stay at home fearing the outside world like I was at that time (I was 16 or so).


    I mean, I'm a nobody and my advice might be complete garbage, but at least that's what worked for me, but only now I realize it

    Quote from Steppenwolf

    So i stopped smoking one and a half weeks ago and started doing some exercise and walking because i got more and more fat recently and didn't feel good due to smoking and being fat. But not smoking i actualy gained more weight already, d'oh! And now even doing some easy exercise i feel like i'm getting carpal tunnel in my left hand, my fingers feeling numb. Same thing happend couple years ago when i did a bit of weight lifting. Wonder what i can do about that because it sucks and nowadays i actualy need my left hand due to job.


    Other then that i've started learning Modo this week but so far i've spent more time fighting with the interface and keyboard mappings then actualy modeling something.


    Stopping with smoking always leads to an increase in weight. Smoking kills your appetite so stopping that will make you feel hungry. Eating also gives you something to do instead of smoking. I quit as well and that's why I became fat. Well that and my love for brown mm's. Don't try and change both at the same time. Focus on quitting first and then tackle eating. Chewing gum helped me a lot. Maybe it helps you too.


    Quote from dux

    I'm in the best shape of my life. I have the job I've always wanted. I have a lot of money saved up in my accounts. I have a nice decent wage. I live in a nice flat. Have nice things. An ok social life. And I'm incredibly depressed, stressed and fed up. I've suffered with depression all my life, but only recently am I starting to think I might actually be bi-polar with how up and down I'm always feeling. I watched a tv show about bipolarism by stephen fry who happens to be bi polar and a lot of it struck a chord, so yeah.


    Quote from dux

    I was on medication for years. I don't want and don't need to (in my opinion) take medication anymore. I'm also agoraphobic, hence why I work the way I do and have really bad anxiety. Basically I'm a fucking mess. Living in a big city, or even another country would put me into meltdown and no future studio employer would need or want to put up with that. Plus I can't model for shit anyway and that's all working in the games industry is these days. Models and programming lolz generalisationz, Again, this is why I live in the middle of nowhere doing what I do. Probably all of you think I'm crazy but it is what I find helps me best.


    Dude, you are probably not going to respond to my offer, but seriously, you can talk to me. I already figured that stuff was going on. You're a hard man to reach and I tried. Anyway, unfortunately I have a lot of experience with depressions. It runs in my family and basically my entire life has revolved around it (I'm manic myself). There have been multiple suicides in my family and I've seen a lot of mental wards because of those people. So I think I can bring years of experiences to the table. No doctor Phil stuff and telling you what to do. No, simply being someone you can relate too helps. The offer stands.

    Quote from Minos

    Jesus man...let us know if you need any help, I'm sure the core could give a helping hand to a fellow hurgbrotha in need~

    Thanks Minos, appreciate it! I think I'm good though, the worst is behind me and the storm has passed, knowing my core bros got my back is enough!


    Quote from SpronyvanJohnson

    Dude, you are probably not going to respond to my offer, but seriously, you can talk to me. I already figured that stuff was going on. You're a hard man to reach and I tried. Anyway, unfortunately I have a lot of experience with depressions. It runs in my family and basically my entire life has revolved around it (I'm manic myself). There have been multiple suicides in my family and I've seen a lot of mental wards because of those people. So I think I can bring years of experiences to the table. No doctor Phil stuff and telling you what to do. No, simply being someone you can relate too helps. The offer stands.


    This is a true statement. Having someone, even if it's just a single person you can trust and talk to about stuff like this... it's a MASSIVE help. Seriously, I have one friend who I trust more than anyone I know, she gives a shit about me... like she actually loves, truly and genuinely loves me, I don't have to worry she's going to judge me or ridiculous stuff like that, she's just there for me. We've both suffered from and still suffer every now and then, serious depression, this little thing we have in common makes us trust each other even more. If she needs me, I'm there for her and she's there for me.


    A lot of times we don't need advice, we just need someone to hear us. This is a fundamental element of what it means to be human... we need to be heard. I think you'd be surprised at how many people actually care about you and want to help you, even if it's on a silly internet forum. Just know you're not alone, it's a struggle for a lot of people, surround yourself with people who love you dude. People care about you, just remember that.


    You do seem really happy and fulfilled talking to you and seeing you around and that's fucking ~~bawesome~~


    Quote from dux

    I was on medication for years. I don't want and don't need to (in my opinion) take medication anymore. I'm also agoraphobic, hence why I work the way I do and have really bad anxiety. Basically I'm a fucking mess. Living in a big city, or even another country would put me into meltdown and no future studio employer would need or want to put up with that. Plus I can't model for shit anyway and that's all working in the games industry is these days. Models and programming lolz generalisationz, Again, this is why I live in the middle of nowhere doing what I do. Probably all of you think I'm crazy but it is what I find helps me best.


    You should spend some of that hard earned dough talking to someone, it could help and it's better than hoping the problem will go away on its own. You might not emerge from the experience as happy as a clam, but if you can understand yourself better it could be good.


    and it might be biased, but I think going back to school could help. Not only because that's what I'm doing and I think it's educational, but you mix with other people a bit, working from home sounds great in theory but if you know you've got tendencies to avoid people, you're just making it too easy for yourself to dig the hole even deeper by working at home. You're not confronting this aspect of yourself that is an issue.


    ...


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    Quote from dux

    I was on medication for years. I don't want and don't need to (in my opinion) take medication anymore. I'm also agoraphobic, hence why I work the way I do and have really bad anxiety. Basically I'm a fucking mess. Living in a big city, or even another country would put me into meltdown and no future studio employer would need or want to put up with that. Plus I can't model for shit anyway and that's all working in the games industry is these days. Models and programming lolz generalisationz, Again, this is why I live in the middle of nowhere doing what I do. Probably all of you think I'm crazy but it is what I find helps me best.


    Nah i can relate to you a lot. I have a history of depression and anxiety myself. Ten years ago i spent a lot of time doing therapies, trying medications etc. While i don't feel depressed or suicidal and have improved my life a lot over the years i still have some issues that i carry around. Mostly i'm very introverted. It's not that i don't enjoy social interactions but it often feels like it's draining every last bit of energy out of me. I can deal with it to some degree (actualy managed to live abroad, work in a studio etc) but too much of it and i get depressed and get panic attacks. Hence being a freelancer doesn't bother me either.

    Quote from Steppenwolf

    Nah i can relate to you a lot. I have a history of depression and anxiety myself. Ten years ago i spent a lot of time doing therapies, trying medications etc. While i don't feel depressed or suicidal and have improved my life a lot over the years i still have some issues that i carry around. Mostly i'm very introverted. It's not that i don't enjoy social interactions but it often feels like it's draining every last bit of energy out of me. I can deal with it to some degree (actualy managed to live abroad, work in a studio etc) but too much of it and i get depressed and get panic attacks. Hence being a freelancer doesn't bother me either.


    This is pretty much me to a tee. I'm also incredibly introverted, dislike long periods of social interaction, and am, in fact, off work right now because of ongoing depression that never seems to go away.


    It sucks, that's for sure!

    Well this thread took a turn for the worse!


    Sorry to hear that some of you guys are unhappy. You really need to start making changes in your lives and making things better! Dux, I've said it before man, you need to get out of Wales and do something else. Unknown Worlds won't last forever, and you aren't happy how you're currently living, so I think it's a good idea to start looking elsewhere. You don't have to be a good modeller to be a good designer/level artist.


    I took nearly an £9,000 pay cut to work at CA, because I was starting to feel depressed working at home by myself. That lifestyle, yes it pays really well, but it's not good unless you have a bit of a social life. You spend half your life working so you need to make sure it's fulfilling you in all areas. I feel like a much happier, more social person since working at CA, it just sucks that I have a lot of issues with the way the project is run, plus the commute is awful. I've made another change and I will be working at Sony soon, so I'm hoping that's gonna give me the best of both worlds.


    I am very aware that I have been flitting from project to project since I finished uni, I've had 3 jobs over the past 3 years, but in many ways I feel that is a good thing because I have grown as an artist, and learnt a hell of a lot and met a great deal of people that have really influenced me. I've been very lucky to have met and worked with so many talented people (conversely, it's a shame ive also had to work with some absolute twats!).


    So I guess to summarize... Get out there, try different things, live in different places, meet different people, and you'll be a much happier person. I still have my down days but who doesn't?

    Ouch guys, this is some nasty stuff I'm hearing. Mapcore is here for you!


    Me? I'm actually doing much better than a few months ago. After having repeated migraines on/off since the surgery, things are finally starting to even out. Haven't had a migraine in 2 weeks or so. I can finally focus on computer screens consistently (without migraines). Furthermore, I'm also getting used to my fairly strong heart medication. I go out for a 30 minute walk every morning. I have started to eat a bit more healthily. After being tired and weary for so long I feel happy and hopeful. Summer is around the corner too!


    Yeah!

    It's probably not a coincidence that a lot of us anxious/depression guys get into this industry. You can sit at home and develop these skills without really putting yourself out there in the real world. Even posting wip-photos on this forum made me anxious about rejection and shit like that just a year ago.

    There are ways to work on your anxiety though. I find meditation helpful, since being stuck up in my head makes me anxious. Nofap was also huge boost for me. I find pr0n really addictive and it fucks with my irl motivation. Check out Gary Wilsons ted talk about it if you haven't already.


    Personally I'm applying for env art internships right now while brushing up my cs go skills in compet with my buddies, going for e-sports as an alternative career (not really).

    I really disagree with taking medication for anxiety, especially if you haven't even bothered trying to make a meaningful change in your life to get over it. I dunno, I've never taken it so I can't really sit here and judge.

    Wow, some really hard times for some but I think it's great to discuss these things openly. We don't do it enough in the modern age IMO, especially if you're a bit introverted anyway which many developers seem to be.

    I've never had depression, but I have learnt something from friends and family who've suffered from it that some of you fellow non-sufferers might not quite realise: there's a big difference between actual depression and anxiety, and concepts such as 'feeling depressed' and 'feeling anxious'. The latter are simply states of mind that we all experience, but the actual clinical types that I think some in this thread are referring to aren't just things you can shake off, and most of us have never experienced it — not even for a day.

    I think of it a bit like this: imagine that someone who you seriously, seriously love has died. No matter how many people tell you to focus on other things and just get on with life, you're not going to feel much better, right? That's pretty much how I understand clinical depression to be: you can do anything you like, but short of taking something that helps with the part of your brain responsible for the state of mind it's not going to help very much. The gloom is always there.

    With that said, there's a lot of evidence that drugs aren't necessarily the only way. Exercise, diet, avoiding certain drugs, etc can also make a huge difference and should be the first ports of call. And I do think that a lot of guys in this thread make a fair point, which is that escaping environments and circumstances that exacerbate depression is a good idea. It won't eliminate the condition, but it'll certainly avoid making it worse.

    Anyway, I'm kind of speaking for a group I've never been part of here, but for many years I almost dismissed depression as a real illness because I thought that it was just a mood and that those suffering from it should just snap out of it, cheer up, and stop seeing everything so negatively. I didn't appreciate that it was a legitimate psychological condition, and in fact it's even worse than the grief I mentioned earlier because at least that can be healed by time.

    Telling people to not take medication for such a condition is like telling someone not to take antibiotics when they're suffering from an infection, and to just will the bacteria out of themselves instead.

    Looking at the replies a lot of people could really benefit from this. I recommend splitting this into a separate thread. Pin it and let's take it from there.

    The idea of this thread is people talk openly about how they're currently feeling, good or bad. If too much spotlight is put on discussing just depression (assuming that's what you mean) I'm not sure it'll work so well. A 'depression thread' doesn't seem quite right, whereas it's less pressure to bring such personal matters up in a thread like this. I might have misunderstood what you meant though.


    I do hope that this thread will exist for a very long time to come though, as I always want to know what's up (and down) with my MapCore family. People never want to make threads all about themselves even though many of us care about each other.

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