Im so lost right now. Need advice!

[Tisky]

I'm 33 years old today, but let's start from the beginning. Back in 2004, when i was 21. I met this girl, at a party. She was 16, 5 years younger than me.
Immediately we get drawn to eachother and start writing on social media (back then MSN). I really liked this girl and we ended up doing it.

Since she was that much younger i felt that it was wrong and kind of never really called her again. But back then i figured, she did not call me, so i guess it was bad sex or something. The same week my father commited suicide. So as you guess i was lost and confused, so everything with her just got pushed aside. I moved on 2 months later and started dating the mother of my two daughters. But somehow i kept thinking of that first girl, all the 8 years together with my childrens mother. I kept pushing theese thoughts of her aside, since, you know i was happy with the woman of my kids.

Fast forward to 2012. January. I had bought a house with my girlfriend and we got engaged 2011. But one saturday in early January she tells me she wants to take a break. No reasons or anything. One month later, my best friend dies from an overdose, nobody knew he was taking theese drugs. The world got turned upside down and i tried to work out and focus on doing all household choirs to make her stay. All in vain, i moved out of the house in the fall and due to not being able to sell the house i had to move back in with her. 3 Months of abuse (from her side), telling me how i was'nt good and other things, along with her going away with friends partying all weekends i was crushed. Finally after 3 months we sold the house and i immideately moved into an apartment, trying to stay alive, trying to find strenght for my new life. At this point i felt like i had climbed a ladder to the top and fallen all the way down. It was around this time, my ex told me she was a lesbian. Yep, she does not enjoy the cock apparantly. I felt relieved, since that meant it was'nt on me. Always something right? She moves to a city 2,5 hours away so i have the kids on all weekdays except for the weekend.

Between 2013 and the beginning of 2015 i was trying desperately to date women, one fail after another led to me sitting at home, feeling hopeless. A single dad with two kids, quite the catch? Am i right? So when i have given up all hope, i do what i have always wanted to do, contact the first love of my life. The one that got away. The girl in the beginning of this letter.

She replies on Facebook and we start to talk memories, and about what really happened back then. Turns out she was deeply in love with me and angry because i never called. I explained everything about my dad and we laughed at how crazy it got and talked about what could have been. Turns out, she is Married, with two kids. Ouch. Well, always nice to talk right?

After that night, she wrote me back the next day, and the next day. Every single day, all the free time we had, we talked. For 6 months. She was really loving and cute in her way of writing, but kept telling me i should go find a girl. So i thought yeah, she is right. 
The summer went and the fall came, i started dating a girl i met at the pub. I was not really intersted but it was the first girl i've actually dated in forever so i felt hope and deicded to tell the other girl about this. She clearly did not like it and explained to me how she suddenly was single. That put me in a tight spot and i could not decide what to do. I guess she wanted me, right?

After breaking the contact with the girl from the pub we met at my place acouple of times, it was wonderful, until we had a fight and turns out she had sex with her man that night after partying. I said that shit happens and we went back to normal. It felt so good  until one day.

She came over to my place late at night and while we were hugging and talking my phone rang, i think that it is my mate, who wants a ride home from a party and take it up to look (i know, fail). It is that girl from the pub. FUCK.

I swear to god i had no contact with her, and what follows is 6 months of back and forth with the love of my life, about how i am a lying bastard. The other times it was all good, but she was different. She would not believe me. After breaking contact with me 2 times she always wrote back, saying that she loves me. Until i had enough of her telling me mean stuff all the time and told her i had enough, since i really had not done anything wrong. I think that this might make her think about the whole thing and actually get back to me after some days, leaving it in the past. But nope. I broke after 3 weeks and wrote her, but she told me it is over. So here i am, writing this story on Mapcore. Since i have nobody to talk to about this thing. 

Her husband is my friends friend, so it all have been kept under. I am really dying inside and i feel so lost, im sorry for the wall of text but i need help on how to move on before i lose my sanity. It is like i have a ton of bricks on my chest all the time and nothing i used to enjoy is fun no more. 
Fuck my life. I wish there was a reverse button.

[Radu]

That's quite the story. I can't even begin to imagine how it would feel like to be in your position. Though, I think it's a good thing that you shared this with us. One less brick on your chest, right? From what you've said, I wouldn't even be sorry for losing that girl - the love of your life. Trust me, those kind of girls are walking time bombs. You know it too; that's why you snapped and told her off. Even though this was an intoxicating experience, it was beneficial for you to "pick up the past" and see where that would have led you to. Really, you should feel relieved for that chapter to be finally over. And don't ever be tempted to revisit it. Although you'll probably bump into her once or twice, irl or on the internet, remember all that's happened. Your mind knows what's best for you despite whatever your heart says.

As for healing after all of this, I would recommend several things: Exercise - go for regular runs or hit the gym; buy some dumbbells to workout at home if you like. Travel - even to a new part of town you've never been; spend some time in nature without any distractions such as phones. Do something new - it doesn't have to be something crazy; try some different crazy food with your kids; maybe it's time for a new hobby. Stop dating for a while - learning to be at peace with yourself is something more people should practice.

I hope you find something useful in my suggestions. I know it sounds pretty standard and maybe you were expecting some magic answer, but the truth is there isn't. You can't ask someone to tell you how to live your life. We all have our issues. The trick is to keep oneself from breaking into too many pieces. Cheers!

Edited November 29, 2016 by Radu

[Vorontsov]

I would like to say that no matter how bad things are you have kept moving forward, that is very important. Not only for yourself, but for your health & sanity but also because you have two daughters whom I guess I can confidently say that you love, and they love you. I'm mix of an Armenian parent and a Russian parent, I was born in Russia, this may seem random but it's important for the context of what I want to say next. We have strong family culture, family first, all that jazz. Always, no matter what. With a cultural background like this, it is ingrained into our heads from day of birth to the day we die that family is the most important thing you will ever have, so no matter how bad things get, it will never come in the way of you being there for your daughters / family. There is even a stronger focus on the younger ones, whether it be your kids or your younger siblings, and the fact that you have to be there for them no matter what, strong for them so to say. I hope this rambling helps or resonates with you, and the fact that no matter what new level of rock bottom you may hit, with this in mind there is no option of not going forward, you will have to, if not for yourself, then for family. I have it rough every now and then, to say the least (some Mapcorians know ) and it helps to know that even if it becomes horrible I can't seriously consider my bad or self-destructive thoughts, because I have a big family, but most importantly a new very young member to our family who will rely on me throughout her childhood to be there for her, and then later on it will be the same scenario when I have children . It will be alright, sometimes you dig deep or life digs a deep hole for you and it takes a while to climb up, but you will.

end of novel

 

EDIT: One of the reasons I actually joined Mapcore and took my first dip into all of this was when I was going through a very rough life experience, and it took my life into a complete opposite and unexpected direction. A very positive change on my life I would say, I came out of a cocoon completely different than when I first came in. You tend to come out of bad things stronger than before. There's this quote that I really love:

Quote

Man cannot remake himself without suffering for he is both the marble and the sculptor.

 

Edited November 29, 2016 by Vorontsov
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[Tisky]

Thank you for the replies and wise words. Your posts have given me a perspective, im not alone, i guess. It is easy to get stuck in a "cocoon" as you said, Vorontsov. 

Most of my friends and family have moved away , since i live in a small town. It gets lonely and i get too much time to think. Im a thinker i guess, and i see now i have to keep myself busy, so i dont think, to much

[Vaya]

I'd suggest visiting your family/friends more. I've started doing this since my long term relationship broke down- it's good to get back in touch with people you've lost touch with and personally has changed my perspective quite a lot. It's easy to forget that people care about you if you don't see them often.

Also - lose contact with the 'love of the life' girl. You need to do this if you're ever going to get back on track- from your story she seems to be a destructive element in your life.

Anyone willing to cheat on her husband/father of her kids isn't worth your time, no matter how cute/nice she is to you.

 

 

[Sprony]

Don't cry because it's over, smile that it happened! Sure, things didn't go as expected but it's all a matter of perspective. When I'm reading your story, I see that you ex-wife gave you 2 children who I presume, are both healthy. Not only that, but instead of fighting over custody, you get to have them 5 days of week. There are so much fathers out there who would kill for that opportunity. On top of that, you've been thinking about your first love for over a decade and you got an answer. You know what it would be like. Apparently it would be shit, but you still have the answer. It's always better to know than to keep wondering what if?

So it's not all that grim man. The problem is that you have too much time alone to think. Nobody should be thinking too much, because it will turn even the happiest person depressed. Find something to keep you occupied and distracted and the world will turn. Trust me. 

[dux]

You've been around mental case women all of your life from the sounds of it. So many red flags everywhere. How does a married woman suddenly become single so quickly? Nah just willing to cheat. Cmon man you're smarter than that. Hindsight is of no benefit to anyone but you shouldn't of messaged that girl from your past, it didn't do you any good, no point in digging up the past it always bites you in the ass. I know. You made a good decision with the girl in the pub, the only good thing to come out of crazy #2 - should of stuck to that bro. New Year is coming, good time to rinse yourself of all of this and move on. You've got 2 kids, go be a good dad and stop messing around with batshit crazy women. Focus on your kids and yourself. If you're determined to meet someone try single parent play groups with your kids or something. Meet like minded parents.

Edited December 3, 2016 by dux

[Tisky]

Wise words all of you, thanks for helping me seeing things in different perspectives. I've decided to close all social media ,since i keep viewing her profile. Actually saw her drive by (in the reflection of a window), yesterday. I was putting up some vinyl on windows close to her home. I pretended she was just another person driving by. Felt good!

So bye bye Instagram and Facebook for a while, i got to bury that shit. I have started watching Walking Dead, play alot of Hearthstone / Overwatch. Anything to keep my busy. Even travelled to a friend 1 hour away to help him move to a house. Atleast i killed 6 hours of thinking to much! Today im going to see a new apartment, i hope its nice and that i get it. I kind of hate going in to my bedroom and sleep alot on the couch so it would be nice with something new and it is a better location for the kids, closer to school.

I really don't want to meet another woman (right now), but recently many people have been telling me how i need to find someone, or that "they know a girl". It's like i have a sign on my face that says "IM DESPERATE". Wtf. I guess i usually am a "fun" guy. Telling alot of jokes and being happy, but it is hard, but i will come back

 

[cashed]

Sorry to hear about the pain you've gone through. But like many have said its past pain.

I've listened to this a lot when I went through breakups. 

And in sprony fashion this is also a great motivator.

 

[Minos]

Women are incredibly manipulative by nature, they will smell any weaknesses on a man and exploit them to no end, often very subtly without we realizing it. We men like to think ourselves as strong but any men will succumb to a woman's manipulations if they are not paying attention, heck, even Julius Caesar was played like a toy by Cleopatra lol.

Instead of trying to figure out what their actions mean (an impossible task), work on strengthening your intellect and confidence, so you can look past their manipulations and get them to do your bidding instead 

[Tisky]

Haha Minos! So true!

I actually loved the apartment i looked at yesterday, my daughters too. Closer to school and new painted walls + floors. 

I called the company that rent it and they told me it was mine if i wanted it! So i took it!! (Worth to mention, there are zero apartments availible in my city due to all the Syrian / Afghan refugees). So, i am finally feeling lucky as a motherf.

Now i have alot of time to put into this move haha! Anyone wanna help, free beers! lol. 

Im feeling good, ,thanks

[PogoP]

14 hours ago, Minos said:

Women are incredibly manipulative by nature, they will smell any weaknesses on a man and exploit them to no end, often very subtly without we realizing it. We men like to think ourselves as strong but any men will succumb to a woman's manipulations if they are not paying attention, heck, even Julius Caesar was played like a toy by Cleopatra lol.

Instead of trying to figure out what their actions mean (an impossible task), work on strengthening your intellect and confidence, so you can look past their manipulations and get them to do your bidding instead 

Minos, everything ok at home? Please signal to us if you're under duress. Blink twice if you need help.

 

[Pampers]

3 hours ago, Tisky said:

Haha Minos! So true!

I actually loved the apartment i looked at yesterday, my daughters too. Closer to school and new painted walls + floors. 

I called the company that rent it and they told me it was mine if i wanted it! So i took it!! (Worth to mention, there are zero apartments availible in my city due to all the Syrian / Afghan refugees). So, i am finally feeling lucky as a motherf.

Now i have alot of time to put into this move haha! Anyone wanna help, free beers! lol. 

Im feeling good, ,thanks

Ctrl+s that good feeling and reload that feel on a rainy day

[Sprony]

21 hours ago, Minos said:

Women are incredibly manipulative by nature, they will smell any weaknesses on a man and exploit them to no end, often very subtly without we realizing it. We men like to think ourselves as strong but any men will succumb to a woman's manipulations if they are not paying attention, heck, even Julius Caesar was played like a toy by Cleopatra lol.

Instead of trying to figure out what their actions mean (an impossible task), work on strengthening your intellect and confidence, so you can look past their manipulations and get them to do your bidding instead 

This is so true. I had my dad over and he made a comment about how nice my wife was to me. He asked me what I had done to deserve that. I told him, doesn't matter if she's happy or mad, I never have a fucking clue what I did or didn't do to cause that kind of behavior. Women are enigma's. So yeah, follow @Minos his advice and remain vigilant! 

Although, to be honest, I'm a huge manipulative asshole as well. So there's that. 

[Tisky]

I have realised what a bitch i have been. Getting run over and thinking everything is my fault. 

Wow!