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Mitch Hedberg has died at 37.


JesusFu

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Some one-liners of his

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."

"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...'"

"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, 'I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away..."

"...and then at the end of the letter I like to write 'P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.'"

"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is of when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I am older.' You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera..."

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

"On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at..."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."

"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty."

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.'"

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, 'Mitch,' and I say, "'what' and turn my head slightly..."

"That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, 'It's cool, he's with me.'"

"I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut em up.'"

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

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