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Thrik

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I was on medication for years. I don't want and don't need to (in my opinion) take medication anymore. I'm also agoraphobic, hence why I work the way I do and have really bad anxiety. Basically I'm a fucking mess. Living in a big city, or even another country would put me into meltdown and no future studio employer would need or want to put up with that. Plus I can't model for shit anyway and that's all working in the games industry is these days. Models and programming lolz generalisationz, Again, this is why I live in the middle of nowhere doing what I do. Probably all of you think I'm crazy but it is what I find helps me best.

 

Nah i can relate to you a lot. I have a history of depression and anxiety myself. Ten years ago i spent a lot of time doing therapies, trying medications etc. While i don't feel depressed or suicidal and have improved my life a lot over the years i still have some issues that i carry around. Mostly i'm very introverted. It's not that i don't enjoy social interactions but it often feels like it's draining every last bit of energy out of me. I can deal with it to some degree (actualy managed to live abroad, work in  a studio etc) but too much of it and i get depressed and get panic attacks. Hence being a freelancer doesn't bother me either.

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I was on medication for years. I don't want and don't need to (in my opinion) take medication anymore. I'm also agoraphobic, hence why I work the way I do and have really bad anxiety. Basically I'm a fucking mess. Living in a big city, or even another country would put me into meltdown and no future studio employer would need or want to put up with that. Plus I can't model for shit anyway and that's all working in the games industry is these days. Models and programming lolz generalisationz, Again, this is why I live in the middle of nowhere doing what I do. Probably all of you think I'm crazy but it is what I find helps me best.

 

Nah i can relate to you a lot. I have a history of depression and anxiety myself. Ten years ago i spent a lot of time doing therapies, trying medications etc. While i don't feel depressed or suicidal and have improved my life a lot over the years i still have some issues that i carry around. Mostly i'm very introverted. It's not that i don't enjoy social interactions but it often feels like it's draining every last bit of energy out of me. I can deal with it to some degree (actualy managed to live abroad, work in  a studio etc) but too much of it and i get depressed and get panic attacks. Hence being a freelancer doesn't bother me either.

 

 

This is pretty much me to a tee. I'm also incredibly introverted, dislike long periods of social interaction, and am, in fact, off work right now because of ongoing depression that never seems to go away.

 

It sucks, that's for sure!

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Well this thread took a turn for the worse! 

 

Sorry to hear that some of you guys are unhappy. You really need to start making changes in your lives and making things better! Dux, I've said it before man, you need to get out of Wales and do something else. Unknown Worlds won't last forever, and you aren't happy how you're currently living, so I think it's a good idea to start looking elsewhere. You don't have to be a good modeller to be a good designer/level artist.

 

I took nearly an £9,000 pay cut to work at CA, because I was starting to feel depressed working at home by myself. That lifestyle, yes it pays really well, but it's not good unless you have a bit of a social life. You spend half your life working so you need to make sure it's fulfilling you in all areas. I feel like a much happier, more social person since working at CA, it just sucks that I have a lot of issues with the way the project is run, plus the commute is awful. I've made another change and I will be working at Sony soon, so I'm hoping that's gonna give me the best of both worlds. 

 

I am very aware that I have been flitting from project to project since I finished uni, I've had 3 jobs over the past 3 years, but in many ways I feel that is a good thing because I have grown as an artist, and learnt a hell of a lot and met a great deal of people that have really influenced me. I've been very lucky to have met and worked with so many talented people (conversely, it's a shame ive also had to work with some absolute twats!).

 

So I guess to summarize... Get out there, try different things, live in different places, meet different people, and you'll be a much happier person. I still have my down days but who doesn't?

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It's probably not a coincidence that a lot of us anxious/depression guys get into this industry. You can sit at home and develop these skills without really putting yourself out there in the real world. Even posting wip-photos on this forum made me anxious about rejection and shit like that just a year ago.

There are ways to work on your anxiety though. I find meditation helpful, since being stuck up in my head makes me anxious. Nofap was also huge boost for me. I find pr0n really addictive and it fucks with my irl motivation. Check out Gary Wilsons ted talk about it if you haven't already.

 

Personally I'm applying for env art internships right now while brushing up my cs go skills in compet with my buddies, going for e-sports as an alternative career (not really).

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I really disagree with taking medication for anxiety, especially if you haven't even bothered trying to make a meaningful change in your life to get over it. I dunno, I've never taken it so I can't really sit here and judge.

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Wow, some really hard times for some but I think it's great to discuss these things openly. We don't do it enough in the modern age IMO, especially if you're a bit introverted anyway which many developers seem to be.

I've never had depression, but I have learnt something from friends and family who've suffered from it that some of you fellow non-sufferers might not quite realise: there's a big difference between actual depression and anxiety, and concepts such as 'feeling depressed' and 'feeling anxious'. The latter are simply states of mind that we all experience, but the actual clinical types that I think some in this thread are referring to aren't just things you can shake off, and most of us have never experienced it — not even for a day.

I think of it a bit like this: imagine that someone who you seriously, seriously love has died. No matter how many people tell you to focus on other things and just get on with life, you're not going to feel much better, right? That's pretty much how I understand clinical depression to be: you can do anything you like, but short of taking something that helps with the part of your brain responsible for the state of mind it's not going to help very much. The gloom is always there.

With that said, there's a lot of evidence that drugs aren't necessarily the only way. Exercise, diet, avoiding certain drugs, etc can also make a huge difference and should be the first ports of call. And I do think that a lot of guys in this thread make a fair point, which is that escaping environments and circumstances that exacerbate depression is a good idea. It won't eliminate the condition, but it'll certainly avoid making it worse.

Anyway, I'm kind of speaking for a group I've never been part of here, but for many years I almost dismissed depression as a real illness because I thought that it was just a mood and that those suffering from it should just snap out of it, cheer up, and stop seeing everything so negatively. I didn't appreciate that it was a legitimate psychological condition, and in fact it's even worse than the grief I mentioned earlier because at least that can be healed by time.

Telling people to not take medication for such a condition is like telling someone not to take antibiotics when they're suffering from an infection, and to just will the bacteria out of themselves instead.

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Looking at the replies a lot of people could really benefit from this. I recommend splitting this into a separate thread. Pin it and let's take it from there. 

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The idea of this thread is people talk openly about how they're currently feeling, good or bad. If too much spotlight is put on discussing just depression (assuming that's what you mean) I'm not sure it'll work so well. A 'depression thread' doesn't seem quite right, whereas it's less pressure to bring such personal matters up in a thread like this. I might have misunderstood what you meant though.

 

I do hope that this thread will exist for a very long time to come though, as I always want to know what's up (and down) with my MapCore family. :-D People never want to make threads all about themselves even though many of us care about each other.

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Yeah I don't mean to come across as completely anti-drugs, if you have tried other ways and they haven't worked, then yes, maybe drugs are a good thing to try and help with it. But again, I don't have any experience with it, and Thrik put it very eloquently!

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rotfl who the fuck am I? Dr. Phil?

 

just a burrito guy...

 

I also quit smoking months ago Stepp. I don't miss it anymore but I do enjoy it occasionally with alcohol :)

 

My life has been pretty good too. I've grown a lot as an artist in the past few months and I've been challenging myself daily to get better. I've been working out again (blizzard bootcamp ftw) and i fucking love it. I'm also always looking for new knowledge (in any subject really). Anything you learn can be applied in your life somehow.

 

I wasn't like that though. If I go back 6 or 7 months, all I did was playing games and doing useless stuff. I kind of feel like I went through a "rebirth" period in the past months where I rediscovered long lost simple pleasures, like drawing, going out for a hike and enjoying nature, enjoying time with my wife, enjoying the place I live (i know this won't last forever), enjoying my cats, enjoying quality time with friends etc...

 

I haven't completed much personal work in the past 2 years, in part because being a Blizzard artist brings a lot of pressure and that shit can totally get in the way if you let it (like I did). One big lesson I learned with all of this was to not give a crap if people judge me or not... and most importantly, I try real hard not to judge people anymore. I can already see very positive results thanks to that.

 

I feel that all the stuff that happened in my life (good and bad) in the past months ultimately made me a much better person. I'm more focused at work now, I'm nicer to people (which in turn are nicer to me) and I enjoy life a lot more than I did before :)

 

 

This is great to hear. :D

 

Not for the same reasons, but part of why I've been making so many changes recently is because I realised that I was getting increasingly unhappy due to me not making time for my own simple pleasures, things that I really enjoy doing. Since focusing 100% on myself, I've become so much more positive about everything it's unreal. Even just making time for my most basic of hobbies like gaming, watching films, and playing an instrument has made me happier.

 

In some ways I feel like I've gone back to where I was about four years ago, when I was similarly focused on self-betterment but I ended up putting that aside because for whatever reason I decided that finding and keeping a relationship needed to be my #1 priority instead. It sounds horrible to say, but it's almost like my life went on pause for a couple of years as I tried to make an increasingly futile relationship work. The ambitions, drive, and self-belief I had back then have returned after being absent for way too long.

 

Mixing things up is definitely something I recommend to those feeling generally dissatisfied. Even moving to a new apartment can feel like a fresh start, although a new city or even country (not done the latter yet) is even better I imagine. With life being so short, there's every reason to totally stir things up on a regular basis and go way out of your comfort zone. I was going down the road of sticking with the same stable job for years on end and living in the same shitty town, and my god am I glad I escaped that.

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The idea of this thread is people talk openly about how they're currently feeling, good or bad. If too much spotlight is put on discussing just depression (assuming that's what you mean) I'm not sure it'll work so well. A 'depression thread' doesn't seem quite right, whereas it's less pressure to bring such personal matters up in a thread like this. I might have misunderstood what you meant though.

 

I do hope that this thread will exist for a very long time to come though, as I always want to know what's up (and down) with my MapCore family. :-D People never want to make threads all about themselves even though many of us care about each other.

 

Your rejection of my idea really makes me feel insecure about my social acceptance at the Core.

Nah, just kidding. Valid arguments dude.

 

I'll never presume to tell anybody what to do but I'm against medicine for depression. I've seen too many people ruined by that. Also, if you're manic like me, they prescribe you pills. These pills zombify you. You don't feel ups, you don't feel downs, you feel nothing. You go numb. So I refuse to take them. Depression is a battle, a never ending struggle. But with proper planning (like Thrik already said) you can beat every wave. I have a complete set of rules to follow when depression hits. It drains you but it always works (for me at least). 

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I know UWE won't last forever, but I'm not in a state of mind or a position to do what keeps being suggested for me to do. I appreciate the encouragement, really I do - but I can't really describe how difficult it is for me to be as "out there" as you guys are. Thrik does a good job explaining how depression can feel though. To put this into context: I can't even ride a train or a bus by myself. Where I am now is my support mechanism and without any of this, my family, friends, an environment that I am comfortable in, and know, helps me ticking along when I take a dip. The last big dip I ended up with me passed out on the floor in a lot of blood, that's why I keep mostly to myself and work for myself, I'm unstable at times. Put me into a big city and a studio with a lot of unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar environments, having to travel back and forth from work - that would be incredibly difficult for me. I've taken more anti depressants and anti anxiety medication than I can even remember, I've been to psychologists plenty of times and none of it really helps that much, it might take the edge off but it doesn't fix you in any real way. 

 

This all sounds incredibly negative I realise but at least I'm not as bad as I used to be as I couldn't even walk out of my front door without having a panic attack and throwing up everywhere haha... good times... But these days I can go out to parties around where I live as I know where I am around here and the people, drink beer and actually relax - that helps a lot but it takes a lot out of me, as has been mentioned by a few of you guys, being social really drains you. What I tend to do then after is sink back into my computer and books and get absorbed by a game and/or story for a few days until I feel "me" again - I.E detached enough from real life that I don't feel overly stressed about things in the real world. I just find familiarity a real big deal for me. Moving into this flat by myself was a huge personal push as I've never done that before, and I'm glad I did it.

 

I've been part of the core now for almost 10 years and I've seen all you guys grow up, become incredibly talented, get dream jobs at the studios we dream of being at, get married, have kids, and while I probably won't achieve many of those, what I do know is that being a part of this online community has been a serious part of my life, and for that, I'm really grateful.

 

Dux if you acknowledge you feel depressed please do something, my aunt suffered the problem for a few years and it's painful. Understanding you have the problem is definitely a fundamental step, so, that's good.

 

I have dude no worries.

 

Also, Dux, if you are not happy with your life the worst thing you can do is to shut in and keep doing the same things over and over. I don't know you, but maybe that's exactly what's making the depression worse. I know it's hard as fuck for you to go out, but you need to force yourself and try it. Try different things until you find something that helps you get over your depression, it might be something really simple like getting a dog or a cat or making a new friend. Or you could learn modeling, if you didn't like 3ds max try Maya or even Zbrush... Just make shit and don't expect any results and you will get the hang of it eventually, I know several people much less talented than you artistically that are good at modeling.

 

Yeah as I said in my above tl;dr section I am a lot better than I used to be and have been pushing myself all the time to get better at things, the one thing I have finally done is get a grip and get into the shape I've always wanted to be in -  it's just a slow process for me now as I once pushed myself too hard once, too fast - you could say too fast too furious... trotolrlorlt. But yeah, that didn't end well and I don't want to repeat the disaster that ended up being :)

 

Back at the end of October, I came home from work to find that my house had burned down, I lost everything but the shirt on my back, my car, and my phone. Two of my dogs died in the fire (one of those dogs was my shadow... miss that guy), and the third got out but later had to be put to sleep a few weeks later because she couldn't keep down water, vets said the surgery to remove what was blocking her kidneys (they presumed she swallowed a wood chip or something) would have been $2000+ and she was so weak from not having any water/food for a few days, she might not even had made it out of surgery.

 

My mom ended up in the mental ward (again) as all of this was happening (I was up in a hotel at this point), and within a few weeks of the fire, I lost it at work as a co-worker decided to kick me in the teeth and I quit on the spot. 

 

Been in a rental home since November and unemployed ever since. Just turned down a position to be a field tech for a cable company, paid good, full time, etc but I've decided to just get a part time job, look into anything that will fuel my passions for art (like taking daarkens mentorship program... that looks bad ass!) while I work on as much art as I can so I can do what I want to do for a living... I'm not settling for anything else.

 

Dux, sometime depression is caused by something physical (chemical imbalance etc) but other times there's a deeper root of the cause. For the majority of my life, I suffered from extreme self hatred due to various reasons, most of which were all in my head, aka I believed a lie that I was worthless to anyone and a wast of space. As a result, I was horribly depressed for the majority of my life. It took an encounter with God (literally... talking bout Jesus just to be clear) to make me realize that I was believing a lie. I won't turn this into a discussion relating to ontology or anything metaphysical but there's a good chance there's a deeper problem(s) that's causing your depression. 

 

It could be a physical issue but we're all broken in our own way, maybe it's your brokenness that needs to be properly addressed?

 

I struggle to ride a train and you've had a rollercoaster of a time... ugh. I sure do feel a bit dopey. Are things a bit better now for you? Well, I was bullied out of school at a young age, I'm sure that didn't help me very much (Being fat didn't help me, that's why I got in the shape I am now. People don't even recognise me). And yes, I have hated myself for a long time, my physical and emotional state: for not being strong enough, for not being attractive enough... Everytime I've tried to get ontop of this and be positive about myself, something has always comes along to knock my fragile confidence down a peg and I have to start over again. But at least I've gotten really good at building myself back up again, I just need to learn not to get knocked down in the first place :)

 

 

So i stopped smoking one and a half weeks ago and started doing some exercise and walking because i got more and more fat recently and didn't feel good due to smoking and being fat. But not smoking i actualy gained more weight already, d'oh! And now even doing some easy exercise i feel like i'm getting carpal tunnel in my left hand, my fingers feeling numb. Same thing happend couple years ago when i did a bit of weight lifting. Wonder what i can do about that because it sucks and nowadays i actualy need my left hand due to job.

 

Other then that i've started learning Modo this week but so far i've spent more time fighting with the interface and keyboard mappings then actualy modeling something.

 

Stopping with smoking always leads to an increase in weight. Smoking kills your appetite so stopping that will make you feel hungry. Eating also gives you something to do instead of smoking. I quit as well and that's why I became fat. Well that and my love for brown mm's. Don't try and chance both at the same time. Focus on quitting first and then tackle eating. Chewing gum helped me a lot. Maybe it helps you too.

 

I'm in the best shape of my life. I have the job I've always wanted. I have a lot of money saved up in my accounts. I have a nice decent wage. I live in a nice flat. Have nice things. An ok social life. And I'm incredibly depressed, stressed and fed up. I've suffered with depression all my life, but only recently am I starting to think I might actually be bi-polar with how up and down I'm always feeling. I watched a tv show about bipolarism by stephen fry who happens to be bi polar and a lot of it struck a chord, so yeah.

 

 

I was on medication for years. I don't want and don't need to (in my opinion) take medication anymore. I'm also agoraphobic, hence why I work the way I do and have really bad anxiety. Basically I'm a fucking mess. Living in a big city, or even another country would put me into meltdown and no future studio employer would need or want to put up with that. Plus I can't model for shit anyway and that's all working in the games industry is these days. Models and programming lolz generalisationz, Again, this is why I live in the middle of nowhere doing what I do. Probably all of you think I'm crazy but it is what I find helps me best.

 

Dude, you are probably not going to respond to my offer, but seriously, you can talk to me. I already figured that stuff was going on. You're a hard man to reach and I tried. Anyway, unfortunately I have a lot of experience with depressions. It runs in my family and basically my entire life has revolved around it (I'm manic myself). There have been multiple suicides in my family and I've seen a lot of mental wards because of those people. So I think I can bring years of experiences to the table. No doctor Phil stuff and telling you what to do. No, simply being someone you can relate too helps. The offer stands. 

 

 

Yeah I appreciate it, if I get down in the dumps again I'll remember :)

 

-

 

tl;dr version: dux is gay

Edited by dux

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Damn dudes, some heavy stuff in this thread. It sadly doesn’t surprise me that a lot of game dev folks might suffer from depression. I honestly know too little about it to be bold enough and make any kind of suggestion as to what could help, but it really doesn’t sound like something that’s wise to push to the side. Whether it’s trying to deal with it by improving your conditions or getting professional help then that’s got to be better than just neglecting it entirely. Also this is yet another reminder of something that’s generally a tricky thing about the internet, it’s often hard to know if somebody is just goofing around as their internet persona or whether they’re being plagued by some actual problems.

 

Hmm, anyway, I’m kinda in a weird spot in my life right now, where for the first time in years my social life is actually pretty good and my professional life seems perhaps less good, pretty much a complete reversal of what it used to be like for the last couple of years. I’ve been at a new job for the last 3 months, which I took primarily to get out of my comfort zone (which has been level designing for the last 10 years) and try something more game design oriented…well, that and it’s the best paying job I’ve ever had.

 

Though I’ve definitely learned a lot of different stuff already, and it does feel quite good to try something very different, then I really miss designing levels and can feel that it’s something that won’t just go away. Thinking about doing a CS:GO map to vent that urge, plus I applied for a gig in the US recently, which sadly looks like it won’t be happening this time.

 

Been trying to stay at it with doing my own game too, but I’ve definitely taken a larger bite than I can chew, trying and going for doing a procedurally generated game, which probably isn’t the best idea when you’re an absolute programming novice :). To that end then I’ve been talking to a couple of really good coder friends about teaming up doing a smaller game together, which is something that’s really motivating me a lot lately.

 

Apart from that then I’m trying to play fewer games (or be more selective at least), watch less TV series and movies since it feels like I’m wasting my life away on too much of that stuff, and in general it’s been a long time since I’ve spent as much time with friends IRL as I’ve done lately. Though I haven’t really gotten a girlfriend yet, then I’ve been going out a lot more often the last couple of months and had a few one night stands, which has given me more confidence in that area (which is great, because there was nearly none before :D)

 

Oh and last weekend I became an uncle, with my brother’s girlfriend giving birth to a little baby girl :)

 

Anyway, weird times.

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