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Jurassic Park: The Game (aka Who Should Be Fired?)


Rick_D
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Who Should be Fired?  

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  1. 1. Who Should be Fired?

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Gabe has blessed us with yet another Steam Sale! A chance to rid ourselves of all that pesky cash we tend to accumulate during the period when there isn't a Steam Sale.

If you're anywhere near as pathetic an inidividual as I am, you probably already own every single good game on Steam, and the sales just serve to re-iterate that you need to get out of the house more often and give up on videogames because they're not going to fulfill your life in any meaningful way; unlike, say, a nice healthy heroin addiction.

This year I decided to pick up "Jurassic Park: The Game", incase anybody was confused that they were buying "Jurassic park: The Movie". It's these kinds of details that really let the consumer (or as the signs plastered around the Telltale offices would like us to be known: "The Mark") know that we are really cared about, and our intelligence levels justly questioned.

So let's take off our pants, put on our limited edition "Jurassic park: The Merchandise" baseball cap and begin!

Ah, so at least we know who to blame: Everybody.

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I'm still not sure if I bought the game or the movie, oh lord the suspense is killing me!

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Ok so let me tell you a little story, all about how my life got flipped turned upside down and I moved to a place called WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING HOLY SHIT ARE YOU RETARDED

resolution.jpg

Now here's where somebody who was obviously very disappointed with their life choices and had somehow ended up resenting every waking moment they trudged in to the Telltale office, clicking that little button on the complimentary coffee machine, filling up their soiled paper cup with barely heated shit-coloured liqud, drinking down lukewarm mouthfuls of regret, finally snapping and in a final act of subversion before taking their own life, alone in a darkened basement next to a whirring washing machine watching their stained underwear spin round in a neverending cold-wash cycle of despondancy, decided to implement this godforsaken options screen.

To change resolution you click the little arrows. Simple enough you say. A child could code this. A dead child. Possibly the dead child of the programmer responsible, perhaps that is what sent him into his downward spiral culminating in solitary suicide, his only communication from beyond the grave was a note, scrawled on a receipt for a takeaway pizza, the words "fuck you" emblazened upon it written in an unhealthy shade of human shit.

Press the button, simple. Every time you press the fucking button the resolution AUTOMATICALLY changes. It starts at 800x600. It goes through an array of unheard of and eldritch resolutions. 1024x700, 1440x360, 1981x7. The madness grows with every click, a waiting game as the screen succumbs to darkness, the 5 seconds of unresponsiveness as you wonder, sobbing, whether you've reached your final destination. No, you've changed to 1680x4012. One more click, maybe this will be the one. 1650x1650. Oh god why have you forsaken your only son, what vile acts of sin have I commited upon your people, why am I being tormented in this endless maze of chaos and confusion, I promise, lord, if you get me out of this I'll never drink again, maybe I'll start, shit.. I'll do anything you want me to do. I'll kill hobos in the subway, I'll adbuct D-list celebrities and feed them to each other in to-the-death cage-match eating competitions. I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK LORD, I'LL SUCK THAT HOLY GOODNESS RIGHT OUT OF THE END OF YOUR CHEESE-ENCRUSTED WAND OF RIGHTEOUSNESS JUST PLEASE LET THIS FUCKING TORTURE END.

I'm on the verge of complete and total mental and physical collapse. I've begun to wonder if this is all a dream and I'm going to wake up in the shower with a needle sticking in my arm and a belt tied around my bicep.

Oh this final click will do it, surely, I've reached 2559x1570. *click*

I don't have a screenshot of what happened next, because my monitor didn't support the resolution offered by this programmer-turned-deviant. It was probably 73000x3.14 recurring. I had to kill the game. I searched the depths of the internet, finding other poor souls who were wandering in the confusion, like the boat ride into hell, each of us seated in a rowing boat, at the helm a grizzled demon, a grin from ear to ear and an uncircumcised cock the size of a black mamba dangling between their legs like the promise of an unwanted prison rape, we called out to each other, our cries echoing in the darkness. "HKEY_CURRENT_USER" a soul shrieked out, piercing the solid wall of black. Moans of agony erupted from the other vessels, some capsising in the mounting horror that they would soon be able to launch the game and get their moneys worth, the realisation that this was only the beginning of a long and nightmarish journey, knowing very few would make it out alive.

So it begins, I thought, I will edit the registry and launch the game.

Thus, our tale must continue.

Our eponymous heroine, perhaps we'll be controlling her in search of some fucking dinosaurs or something. I could really do with kicking the shit out of flock of small reptiles right now.

ourhero.jpg

Oh jesus christ, it's going to be like this, is it.

ohgod.jpg

I'm not entirely sure what happened to her hand but it looks painful.

hand.jpg

Oh, we've got some little friends following us.

afriend.jpg

Oh hello! I'm not really sure what the shit that is, it could be a koala for all I can tell, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say it's probably some kind of dinosaur, although I'm not really an expert.

anotherone.jpg

Suddenly I went crazy.

Luckily my years of training in being crazy all came flooding back and I knew exactly what I had to do: move the mouse around until I stopped being crazy.

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I've been alerted to the existance of rocks. Grateful though I am for this minor break to teach elementary level geology I think we'd better press on in case that gang of koala bears catches up.

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Oh shit, I just fell down a mountain.

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And died.

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Luckily, Odin ressurected me and I got another chance. This time getting the "Good Death" ending and allowing the nightmare to continue.

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Luckily I did infact purchase the game, and not the movie. I was worried for a while but god damnit we've pulled through.

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And so our story continues, next we meet a child and her father. I guess we're supposed to feel some kind of empathy and connection to them, due to the unnatural incestous banter between the two. This is somewhat ruined by the voice acting. The "child" is voiced by what I can only describe as a 65 year old chain smoking dock worker. Her head is also enormous, so I'm worried if she is suffering from water-on-the-brain, and I'm concerned the father is a reckless parent, bringing her to an island filled with man-eating reptiles instead of giving her the hospital care she so obviously needs.

bighead.jpg

I'm mean really, look at that fucking head.

yesdaddy.jpg

Ah finally, some real gameplay. I was wondering when it was going to pick up. Somebody call the police, this shit is getting serious.

gameplay.jpg

I found a metaphor for this experience: a huge pile of dry dinosaur shit. How fitting.

shit.jpg

The father and daughter drive off to be alone somewhere and we rejoin our heroine a few days earlier. Wandering through the jungle like she just don't have enough fucks left to give.

00.jpg

This next section requires some "expert" timing, to cut through what felt like about 73 miles of bush. It was like a 70's porno except more grunting, and nobody ended up covered in jizz. Unfortunately.

Ok let's do this shit.

01.jpg

Fuck! This goddamn leaf blocked me.

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It's one sturdy mother fucker, I can't pull this shitting butter knife out of it.

03.jpg

Ok let's try this fucker again.

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Son of a bitch!

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Oh for fu.. these fucking plants are made of diamonds.

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Suddenly this mother-loving cocksucker asks me if everything is alright. Bitch are you for serious? We're stuck in a jungle surrounded by koala bears and I can't cut through these fucking tulips, shut your whore mouth help me cut this shit down.

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Aha! We find our goal, a car. It's Eerily quiet, we'd better be careful...

acar.jpg

FUCK THAT SHIT OPEN THE DOOR GET ON THE FLOOR EVERYBODY WALK THE DINO-holy shit it's a dead fat guy!

acarwithfatguy.jpg

At this point the game decided I didn't need a mouse cursor anymore and gleefully removed it for me. With some guesswork and minor cursing I managed to click in the right areas to get to the next uninteractive cutscene, where this guy went fucking apeshit and shot a dinosaur that was just chilling out minding it's own business. The gun was apparently very heavy and extended his arms by 2 foot. Either that or he was secretly an orangatan agent, looking for delicious dino-steaks.

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Whatever, fuck this. Yes I'm sure I've never been more sure of anything in my entire fucking life. Go away you cunt.

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What a piece of shit.

Dinosaurs 3/10

Press-To-Win-Or-Die-Whatever-Fuck-You-We-Have-Your-Money-Now Gameplay 6/10

Despair 9/10

A Must Buy product for any fans of devastating introspect and journeys of self-loathing and regret.

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